What is gaslighting? The truth about this psychological manipulation and resisting deception

We often hear the word “gaslighting,” but you might not know exactly what gaslighting is.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where an abuser gains power by making the victim doubt their thoughts and feelings, Niro Feliciano, LCSW, told TODAY.

The abuser lies repeatedly, creating confusion and uncertainty about what really happened.

Over time, this leaves victims feeling insecure and struggling with low self-esteem.

As the manipulation deepens, victims may begin to doubt their memory and even question their sanity, becoming dependent on the abuser to tell them what’s real.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, later adapted into films in 1940 and 1944, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind, per Healthline.

Dr. Robin Stern of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence helped bring the term into wider use with her 2007 book, “The Gaslight Effect.”

What are the different types of gaslighting?

Feliciano shared that gaslighting can happen in any relationship, and abusers may use different tactics to manipulate and control their victims:

1. Blame-shifting

Gaslighters often shift blame to others to avoid accountability. For instance, a parent might blame their divorce on a child’s behavior, claiming the child’s actions caused the breakup.

2. Coercion

Gaslighting can involve various forms of force or threats, including verbal, emotional, physical, or financial abuse. For instance, a jealous friend might use the silent treatment to manipulate you when you spend time with others.

This tactic of withholding communication is a common example of gaslighting behavior.

3. Reality questioning

Gaslighting is often linked to a tactic called reality questioning, which is one of the most manipulative forms of emotional abuse. This behavior can lead to significant emotional and mental stress, as it typically involves blatant lying and convincing the victim that certain events never took place. Common phrases used by gaslighters include, “No one is going to believe you.”

For instance, if a partner insists that you both agreed to visit his parents on Saturday while you clearly remember discussing plans to go hiking, this is a typical example of gaslighting. The partner is aware that you dislike visiting his parents and denies mentioning the hike, making the situation even more confusing.

4. Trivializing

Phrases such as “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re crazy” can belittle a victim’s feelings and distort their perception of reality, leaving them feeling insignificant. While this trivializing behavior may sometimes be unintentional, it’s important to recognize if it occurs consistently in a relationship.

For instance, when you ask your boss for payment for extra hours worked, they might respond by questioning whether you believe you’re better than your coworkers.

What causes a person to gaslight others?

Stern points out that many people use gaslighting to reinforce their belief that they are right.

When individuals who gaslight feel their identity or power is threatened, they seek validation from others to maintain control over the situation.

Gaslighting can occur when someone believes their perspective is more legitimate than someone else’s, even without strong evidence to support it.

To feel superior, they may dismiss or belittle other people’s opinions, which boosts their own sense of importance.

What makes gaslighting effective?

Gaslighting often works because people naturally trust those closest to them, such as doctors, parents, or partners, believing they have good intentions. It’s also effective because it’s usually subtle, often disguised as concern or advice rather than manipulation.

For example, a roommate might say, “I hate to tell you this, but your friends don’t really like you. They only spend time with you because they know they can benefit from your money.”

This comment can feel convincing, especially if it plays on existing fears. Even though you could ask your friends for clarity, that small doubt can make you hesitate, unsure if you’re ready for the truth.

What do you do if you are being gaslighted?

Breaking free from a gaslighting situation is challenging but achievable, according to Montare Behavioral Health.

The first step involves developing emotional awareness and regulation, which helps individuals realize they do not need others to validate their reality.

They become more self-reliant and confident in defining their experiences as they progress. They also learn to manage the discomfort of trusting their perspective, even when it contradicts what the gaslighter says.

This journey can be especially difficult for those with a history of abuse, often requiring a significant change in mindset. Therapy can be an important resource in this process.

Here’s how to respond to gaslighting: