There’s so much that the world needs to be educated about, especially when it comes to grief.
Grief is NOT something to be ignored, dismissed, or minimized. That makes it worse, or makes it resurface in a different way. Grief is something that needs to not only be allowed to happen, but encouraged to happen.
Imagine if we lived in a world where you were required to take time to grieve. To feel the feelings. To pause.
Imagine not having to worry about “pulling yourself together” before going to work. Or to school. Just Imagine.
Because that’s the world we need to be living in!
Until then, here are some things I’ve learned through the devastating loss of my husband, Jim.
[1] There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It looks different for everyone. Honoring your process, however that looks, is your path to healing. For our friends and loved ones, allowing us this process even when you don’t understand it is the best gift you can give. We need you and your support more than we can express.
[2] People are afraid to talk about Jim because they don’t want to upset me. People who know me best will tell you that what upsets me is NOT talking about Jim.
Share your stories and memories. Ask us to share ours and understand that this is how we’re keeping lost loves with us in each and every day.
[3] You will have meltdowns. You’ll also get through them, because you’re stronger than you know! And you will laugh again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but with time.
Friends and loved ones, understand that we might not be the same “fun” people we once were… at least initially. Meet us where we are, not where we used to be.
[4] There are secondary losses. People who you think will be there might not be. But there are people you never could have imagined who will show up.
Let them in. Friends and loved ones, be patient with us. Invite us even if we don’t attend. And keep inviting us. Call. Text. Don’t give up on us. We’re doing the best we can.
[5] You (and only you) know the way through this… even if you don’t know it yet. I absolutely knew I had to go to the mountains for our wedding anniversary.
The world objected. I went anyway, and it was THE most important week of my healing journey. So tune out the noise and listen to yourself! It’s the only way through.
Friends and loved ones, we need your support. You don’t have to understand, or even like all of our choices, but please trust us. We have to find our own unique way, and we might not be able to explain the when’s and the why’s. Just be there to support us.
Most importantly, you’re not alone. I know life will never look the same, and no one can replace what we’ve lost. But we can be there for each other along the way.
Until the world is more educated, create the world you need to get through this ordeal! Find others who get it. And do it your way!
About the Author:
This article was submitted by SAMANTHA RUTH to Positive Outlooks. Sam’s mission is to change the way the world views mental health, so people can openly speak about whatever issues they have and get the help they not only need but deserve without fear of judgment, labels, and repercussions. You can follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. You can also visit her official website.
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Very good points, Sam. I lost my husband of 49 years in 2018. Thankfully, I am no longer in the deep pits of despair, but I think of him and miss him every day. He was the love of my life from the time we met, three years before we married. I speak of him, and to him, often. Our adult children also keep his memory alive, recounting things he did and funny things he said. Grief, as we know, never leaves us; we just learn to live with it and go on with our lives as they would want us to do. ❤️
I lost my husband 6 years ago. I am tormented with grief. I am an introvert, so I keep it to myself. I live with pain every day. I am used to it now. It is my passenger and always will be.
Very good article. So many people don’t know what to say or do when a person loses a spouse, a child , a parent. Everyone grieves very differently. Many couples split up after the death of a child or one becomes stuck along the way in the grieving process or there is guilt/blame associated with the death. One thing to never say, no matter how long its been, is “Its time to get over it” – you never get over it. You learn to accept & move on but the loss is like the scab on a sore every reminder is like picking at a scab until you find a bandaid thàt protects the sore & helps it heal. My husband passed away in 2003 at the age of 58. In 2016, for what would have been our 50th Wedding Anniversary I returned to the place where we had spent our honeymoon. It was a wonderful trip- only my husband’s presence would have made it perfect. I thought about the wedding, our honeymoon, and all the years we had spent together. Some people thought I was crazy!! But it helped me immensely. Do not judge how others choose to grieve. When she was dying at the age of 96 my mother still grievd her 2 babies who died at birth & the son who died at age 20 in addition to her husband.I am dealing with not understanding the overdose death of my 50yr old daughter and the suicide of her 30 yr old daughter 6mos later. Thank God I believe in Him or life would not be worth much! Praise God!!!!
Very well written Samantha! Very inspiring indeed! I lost my husband of 42 years to lung cancer eight years ago! There is never a day that l don’t think about him. I no longer grieve…l celebrate him. Nevertheless, the pain of losing him never went away….l guess l have learned to live with it. Three loving and caring children and five grandchildren kept me going. After all,
this is still a wonderful world to live in despite the ups and downs. God bless us all!
No one can understand the depth of your loss when you lose a spouse. You spent your life with that person, and now they are gone. The emptiness of your home cannot be filled. Alone with your thoughts happy and unhappy moments of your life together. Life goes by all to fast. Looking forward is hard, but do try and enjoy what’s left. Enjoy the accomplishments of family members especially grandchildren, as they are where you where all those years ago, just starting their lives. Staying positive is a choice, it’s hard but I try hard every day.
i lost my daughter 2 years ago with covid pneumonia she was only 38 years old i have never gotten over it and i never will i have been grieving now for 4 years cause i lost my mom 4 years ago to a brain bleed she was 80 years old life has never been the same i am not happy anymore i can’t find joy in anything i do i think about death alot lately how final it is and how fast it can happen it has been thinking about my mortality and why do we even try to live when things go wrong and people are taken away from you i have another daughter and 3 grandsons and a husband still yet i know i need to thank god i am alive but i don’t my life is just a day to day thing just waiting for my time to be up
@dorothy, I feel so sad for you. I will pray.
I’m expecting it,for sure! Please reduce when needed. Thanks for watching I’m doing the best I can and learning alot
I lost my soul mate in August 2008. He was my love. I am now 65 and I have lost so much more since then. I have lost very dear close friends, two of my beautiful sisters and jn real everyday life I have been alienated from my two beautiful grandchildren by the very people I trusted and I have not been allowed by these people and their
Corrup Lawyers and their lies and accusations and empty deceit to be a part of my grandbabies
Lives for over 2 and one half years.
My grief is like no other. Please help me and pray for my family. God bless.
There are so many expected times you know you have to deal with – but what I call the “catch me out’s” are the most unexpected ones. I’m still learning grief is a constant daily battle on all levels. Thankyou for this – I’ve just realised the date I’m writing this is another one of those catch me outs too x
It never really goes away. I still have emotional ambush. My died in 2008. It never really goes away. Expect an ambush when you least expect it. Scott