Coercive control in relationships is a severe and often hidden form of abuse that can quietly take over a personโs life.
Experts say it happens when one partner uses repeated behaviors to gain power over the other.
According to Welsh Womenโs Aid, these behaviors are not accidents or one-time events. They happen again and again, to take away a personโs freedom.
Over time, this can leave someone feeling alone, scared, and unsure of their own thoughts, choices, and worth.
While many people think abuse always includes physical harm, specialists stress that coercive control in relationships can be just as damaging.
It is not a simple disagreement or a bad day between partners. Instead, it is a recognized form of abuse that can deeply affect mental health, physical health, and everyday life.
Because the behavior often starts small and grows slowly, it can be hard to notice at first. Even close family members and friends may miss the warning signs.
Why coercive control in relationships is hard to recognize
One of the most dangerous parts of coercive control in relationships is how quietly it begins.
The behavior may first appear to be jealousy, concern, or a desire to spend more time together.
Over time, these actions can turn into strict control over phone calls, money, friendships, and daily routines.
Because the changes happen slowly, many survivors do not realize what is happening right away.
They may feel confused or blame themselves. Friends and family may see the couple together and believe everything is fine.
Experts say this slow build is part of the control itself, making it harder to escape.
What experts say about coercive control in relationships
Mental health experts have studied this form of abuse for many years. One of them is Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist, the founder of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, and the director of Comprehend the Mind.
She spoke with Verywell Mind to explain how this behavior works.
Dr. Hafeez explains, “Coercive control is a behavior in which one person in a relationship uses tactics, manipulation, intimidation, and various forms of emotional and psychological abuse to gain power and control over their partner,”.
She adds that this behavior is not about love or care. Instead, she says, “The goal is to dominate the victim’s thoughts, emotions, and actions,”.
Over time, the person being controlled may begin to doubt their own judgment and rely more on the abuser to make decisions.
4 early warning signs of coercive control in relationships
Experts say coercive control in relationships often follows clear patterns. A person may experience one or several of these behaviors. Every sign is serious.
1. Isolation
Isolation happens when an abuser slowly pulls their partner away from friends, family, and other support systems. This creates dependence on the abuser. Dr. Hafeez explains that this can include watching phone calls, checking messages, and monitoring social media. Over time, the person may stop reaching out for help.
2. Threats
Threats are used to keep control. These may involve physical harm, but they can also include threats about children, money, or reputation. According to Dr. Hafeez, living under constant threats creates fear and anxiety that never fully goes away.
3. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the abuser denies things that clearly happened. Dr. Hafeez says this causes the person to doubt their own memory and feelings, making it hard to trust themselves.
4. Economic Control
Economic control happens when one partner controls all financial decisions. The abuser may limit access to money or accounts. Dr. Hafeez explains that this is done to create dependence, making it much harder for the person to leave.
Coercive control in relationships can affect anyone
Experts stress that coercive control in relationships is not limited to one gender or group.
While abuse is often discussed as something men do to women, research shows that people of all genders can experience abuse.
Studies show that one in three women and one in four men have experienced physical abuse at home.
Even more people report emotional abuse. Research also shows abuse happens just as often, and sometimes more often, in LGBTQ+ relationships than in heterosexual ones.
Specialists say this confirms that coercive control is about power, not gender.
The lasting impact on survivors
The harm caused by coercive control in relationships often lasts long after the abuse ends. Dr. Hafeez notes several long-term effects survivors may face:
- Emotional Trauma: Ongoing sadness, fear, and anxiety
- Health Problems: Stress-related issues like headaches and stomach pain
- Feeling Weak: A sense of being trapped or powerless
- Trouble in the Future: Difficulty trusting others or forming healthy relationships
These effects show why experts say this form of abuse should never be minimized.
How to leave safely when coercive control is present
Leaving an abusive relationship can be very hard, especially when control has built up over time.
Experts say safety planning is critical. Even if there were good moments in the past, abuse is never acceptable.
According to Healthline, the following steps can help reduce risk:
- Maintain communication with your support systems whenever possible. This is important regardless of your abuserโs displeasure. This guidance comes from Wendy L. Patrick, PhD, a career trial attorney and expert in criminal law.
- Call a hotline when possible, even from a public phone, to speak with trained professionals.
- Practice an exit plan. If children are involved, teach them safe places to go and how to call for help.
- Create a safety plan. Patrick warns that the period right after leaving can be the most dangerous.
Where survivors can find support and help
Help is available for anyone experiencing coercive control in relationships.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides 24-hour support by phone and online chat. Trained advocates can help create safety plans and offer guidance.
Dr. Hafeez also encourages reaching out to trusted friends and family members. Support from others can make a critical difference.
Those in need can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The National Helpline Database also lists additional resources.
How the law views coercive control in relationships
Laws addressing coercive control in relationships vary across the United States.
Hawaii is currently the only state that treats this behavior as a crime. In California, Senate Bill 1141 recognizes coercive control as domestic abuse, though it is classified as a misdemeanor.
Other states, including Florida, Maryland, and New York, are working on laws to formally recognize this behavior as domestic violence.
Experts say legal recognition helps raise awareness and provides stronger protection for survivors.
How to protect yourself in future relationships
For those entering new relationships, experts say awareness is key. Dr. Hafeez shares four essential tips.
1. Educate and Observe
Learn what healthy relationships look like and know the early warning signs. Dr. Hafeez advises, “Observe how potential partners treat others, including their friends, family, and colleagues,”.
2. Set Boundaries
Clear boundaries help define what behavior is acceptable. Experts say boundaries should be stated clearly and respected on both sides.
3. Take It Slow
Moving slowly allows time to see how someone handles stress, anger, and conflict.
4. Talk to a Professional
If doubts arise, speaking with a therapist can help provide clarity and guidance.
Coercive control in relationships is a heavy and painful topic. Still, experts agree that awareness, support, and education can save lives. With the right help, survivors can find safety, healing, and hope again.
Watch Dr. Ramani explain coercive control in relationships and why understanding these hidden patterns can be the first step toward safety and healing.
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