The narcissist in your life will probably not change, and a psychologist explains why

A new study published in Psychological Bulletin concludes that narcissists don’t change.

A comprehensive analysis of 51 studies involving over 37,000 participants reveals that narcissistic tendencies exhibit minimal change over a lifetime, CNBC noted.

While a slight, moderate decline in narcissism was observed over extended periods, the overall stability of these traits is notable.

Narcissistic characteristics encompass a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, a craving for admiration, and an inflated self-image.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist in Los Angeles who helps people with narcissistic problems, has worked with about 50 narcissists.

She says the new research matches what she has seen with her patients.

“For the longest time it always felt defeatist to take the stance that people with narcissistic personality disorder don’t change,” she says. “But I know this doesn’t change. It’s not going to change.”

Dr. Durvasula has a new show, “Dr. Ramani Network” on Fireside, which discusses mental health.

She often says people think everyone can change. But she thinks this idea is too hopeful and can hurt people.

“We have to get out of our Hallmark movie ways,” she says. “It doesn’t feel fair, and it’s hard, but it’s a fundamental truth that they don’t change.”

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) don’t see anything wrong with themselves.

Dr. Durvasula says the bigger the personality problem, the harder it is to change. She also says narcissists struggle to see themselves clearly.

Most narcissists grew up either being ignored or hurt or being spoiled.

Dr. Durvasula finds that people raised with neglect or abuse might be more open to change as they can start to understand their combative feelings.

On the other hand, narcissists don’t change if they were raised in a spoiled environment.

“With the spoiled child narcissist, forget it,” she says. “That is indoctrinated. People tell their kids they are the most special and you deserve everything. No you don’t. I’ve never seen luck with those clients.”

Narcissists can seem nice and caring, so people can stay with them long without knowing it’s a problem.

Dr. Durvasula says when narcissists get everything they want, they can act like they really care about others.

They might seem wonderful if they get lots of praise and their partner always does what they want.

It’s unrealistic to expect one to always meet another person’s needs. Durvasula compares it to dieting: even with perfect planning and luck, maintaining weight loss is rare because life doesn’t always go as expected.

Because narcissists don’t change, Dr. Durvasula suggests that people in relationships with them should get help from a professional.

“We need to help people work through the grief of a relationship that is not unfolding in a way they feel psychologically safe,” she says.

How do we deal with narcissists if they don’t change?

Living or working with a narcissist can be tough. They can be unpredictable, don’t care about others’ feelings, and always want attention.

But there are helpful ways to deal with these problems, according to Verywell Mind.

Set clear boundaries.

Narcissists often think they’re special and don’t care about others, says Dr. Ketan Parmar, a psychiatrist. To protect yourself, set clear rules about how you want to be treated. For example, limit time with them, say no to unfair requests, and avoid drama.

If a narcissistic friend puts you down, tell them you’re proud of yourself and want them to respect that. Taking care of your feelings is important.

Steer Clear of Power Struggles

Narcissists like to win and might try to make you fight with them. To avoid this, don’t argue if it won’t help.

Set realistic expectations.

Don’t expect a narcissist to understand or care about your feelings. They probably won’t. Instead, find ways to get support and understanding from other people.

Find support.

It’s really helpful to have people you trust when dealing with a narcissist. This could be a good friend, family member, or someone who helps with mental health.

Talking about your experiences and feelings with someone who understands can help you feel better.

Stay emotionally detached.

When dealing with a narcissist, practicing emotional detachment is helpful. This means not letting their behavior affect your feelings or self-worth. Dr. Parmar notes that their actions reflect their own issues, not yours.

Although narcissists don’t change, realizing the need for change is an important first step toward getting help. You also need to face the long-held patterns of thought and behavior you have.

It may seem difficult, but seeking help for NPD can lead to better self-awareness, healthier relationships, and a stronger sense of self.

Here’s Dr. Ramani Durvasula sharing her perspective if narcissists can change: