Why do people fall out of love? Expert reveals 3 reasons for falling out of love and how to fix them

To fall out of love is an intricate and often heart-wrenching experience many people encounter in their romantic relationships.

The love that was once intense and all-encompassing can slowly diminish or vanish entirely, leaving individuals to grapple with a mix of emotions, confusion, and sadness.

The journey into a relationship is filled with optimism and excitement, brimming with dreams of a shared future.

However, even relationships rooted in love may not withstand the test of time. Licensed counselor Bonnie Scott points out that long-term relationships involve growth; some couples grow together, while others grow apart.

Often viewed as a symbol of commitment, marriage is not immune to fragility.

U.S. Census data highlights the varying longevity of marriages based on factors like age and duration despite the overall decline in divorce rates.

Statistics from the ’70s suggest that approximately half of first-time marriages lasted 35 years. Relationship counselor Martha Tara Lee underscores the variability, emphasizing that relationships have no standard duration, according to Everyday Health.

It’s crucial to recognize that relationships end for various reasons beyond issues like abuse or infidelity.

Falling out of love is a common experience influenced by factors that experts identify.

Before we get to the three main reasons people fall out of love and their fixes, let’s take a look at some common red flags that tell someone is falling out of love.

How do you know if someone is falling out of love?

1. Communication problems

A common hurdle in relationships stems from a communication breakdown. In the early stages, couples openly share thoughts and feelings, forming bonds over new discoveries. However, as time passes, communication often fades.

Drawing from over four decades of relationship study, renowned psychologist Professor John Gottman points out four harmful communication patterns: criticism, contempt (including sarcasm and name-calling), defensiveness, and stonewalling (silent treatment), per Power of Positivity.

Paradoxically, the comfort of familiarity can impede addressing certain issues, resulting in discomfort and a breakdown in open and healthy communication.

2. Attraction has faded

Attraction can significantly wane when a relationship loses its sense of enjoyment and falls into a routine. The spark fades as spontaneity is replaced by monotony.

Neglecting activities like date nights or special gestures contribute to this decline, often unrelated to physical appearance.

Cultivating attraction involves revisiting the qualities that initially drew you to your partner. It’s about recognizing and appreciating the unique aspects that fuel love.

In this context, attraction is reignited through expressions of appreciation and compassion.

3. Growing insecurities

As the initial phase of being “in love” fades, the true nature of individuals surfaces, sometimes involving a feeding off each other’s insecurities.

Jealousy may arise from a sense of invisibility, perceiving changes in our partner’s behavior. It’s not necessarily about infidelity but a yearning to recapture those initial feelings.

Insecurities can transfer between partners, impacting reactions and the overall dynamics of the relationship. Individual issues play a significant role, leading to an ongoing struggle with self-worth.

4. Disagreements

Life and relationships often center around the rhythm of everyday routines—waking up, work, childcare, meals, house chores, and errands.

Mundane tasks like vacuuming, dishes, and grocery shopping are unavoidable, even in exciting relationships.

Initially, disagreements over these everyday matters may seem minor and manageable.

However, suppose nightly arguments persist over something as simple as washing dishes. In that case, these small issues can gain larger significance over the years.

In couples counseling, a common concern is the ongoing negotiation to balance routine matters.

This balancing act requires periodic revisiting and adjustment, with the continual need for negotiation gradually wearing people down over time.

5. Sexual incompatibility

Satisfying sexual needs and desires is crucial for a relationship’s well-being, even if it’s not openly discussed as often as it should be.

As individuals evolve, so do their sexual needs, and what was once fulfilling may become a source of tension.

According to Lee, differences in sexual needs or preferences can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction in a relationship, eventually leading a person to fall out of love.

3 Main reasons people fall out of love and how to fix them

Psychology Today‘s Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a parent coach and psychologist with over 30 years of experience in child, adolescent, couples, and family counseling, has noticed that many couples fall out of love for one or more reasons.

He also provides solutions to address these issues.

1. There’s no more respect, appreciation, and value between partners

In the early stages of a relationship, love often feels unconditional, driven by the intensity of infatuation.

However, as the initial infatuation cools, there’s a natural tendency to take each other for granted.

When a relationship is left on autopilot, daily life stresses can hinder the expression of compliments, gratitude, or acknowledgment of caring behaviors.

This lack of respect, attention, and kindness can lead to declining feelings of love.

The most concerning aspect arises when partners let their guard down and cease being considerate.

As couples become less sensitive and protective, negative energy and neglect can seep into the relationship, creating a palpable sense of disconnection.

It is imperative to recognize and actively address these tendencies to ensure the health and vibrancy of the relationship.

Taking proactive steps to foster consideration, sensitivity, and mutual care can go a long way in sustaining a thriving and fulfilling connection.

How to fix it:

It’s natural for individuals to get caught up in their own world occasionally.

However, staying vigilant for signs that you might be taking your partner for granted is a proactive way to avoid falling into the trap of relationship complacency.

Actively scheduling dates and expressing appreciation are meaningful ways to make crucial deposits into each other’s emotional bank accounts.

These intentional actions contribute to the ongoing health and vitality of the relationship, preventing it from becoming stagnant or overlooked in the busyness of daily life.

2. Having toxic thoughts

In long-term relationships, partners often share inner struggles, making themselves vulnerable to potential rejection, judgment, or criticism.

This vulnerability can lead to toxic thoughts in response to perceived criticism, as discussed in Bernstein’s book “Why Can’t You Read My Mind?”

The book discusses three instances of relationship-destroying toxic thoughts:

• The All-or-Nothing Trap: This involves seeing a partner as either consistently doing the wrong thing or never doing the right thing, such as labeling them as always having to be right.
• Catastrophic Conclusions: This toxic thought pattern involves exaggerating negative actions and events concerning the partner, like assuming financial ruin because of a bounced check.
• The “Should” Bomb: This occurs when one partner expects the other to meet their needs simply because they believe the partner should be aware of those needs.For instance, assuming a partner should understand dissatisfaction with a job, even if not explicitly communicated.

How to fix it:

While certain thoughts may have some basis in truth, the extent to which we distort, exaggerate and overly focus on them can drain the joy from a loving relationship.

Actively seeking out and dwelling on a partner’s positive qualities and behaviors is key to overcoming the inevitable toxic thoughts that may arise in long-term relationships.

Ultimately, happy and satisfied couples who avoid getting entangled in toxic thoughts possess a more realistic and healthier way of thinking about each other.

This mindset allows them to maintain positive communication, effectively address problems, and keep the flame of romance alive.

Effectively managing toxic thoughts and continuously appreciating your partner is the secret to sustaining a genuinely happy and fulfilling relationship.

3. Incompatibility

Couples with similar attitudes, values, and backgrounds tend to experience more enduring satisfaction, companionship, intimacy, and love and are less likely to face breakups, according to research.

However, as a couple progresses in their relationship and the initial excitement wanes, differences in preferred lifestyles, priorities, and values may emerge.

This discovery can lead to discouragement about the compatibility of their future together, emphasizing the importance of ongoing communication and understanding to navigate disparities.

This ensures that couples remain connected and aligned despite evolving circumstances.

How to fix it:

Flexibility and a willingness to explore new ways to feel connected are key factors in strengthening relationships. Effectively addressing incompatibility involves:

• Managing Expectations: Instead of blaming each other for not meeting an ideal standard, it’s essential to recognize that there are no perfect partners. Acknowledge and understand each other’s limitations and shortcomings. For instance, if one partner has a higher need for intellectual stimulation, the other partner can support them by finding activities like joining a book club or taking a course to fulfill those intellectual needs.

• Building a Bridge: In cases where preferences diverge, finding compromises is crucial. For example, if one partner enjoys vigorous exercise while the other is indifferent, compromise by walking together. This meets the need for physical activity and provides quality time together.
• Finding Common Interests: Open-mindedness plays a significant role in finding common ground. Couples can explore areas of shared interest, discovering activities that both enjoy. Whether it’s playing a sport like pickleball, embarking on a joint business venture, or bonding over reading aloud before bedtime, these shared experiences foster connection and strengthen the relationship.

Watch singer and rapper, Dessa, as she took TEDx stage and talked about her studies if we can choose to fall out of love: