Should you risk the friendship by telling them they are in a toxic relationship — or stay silent?

Starting an honest conversation with a friend about their romantic partner can be one of the toughest tests of friendship.

When someone has watched a friend go through a series of messy relationships—from partners who are verbally abusive to those who are selfish or antisocial—the urge to speak up can feel overwhelming.

But knowing the right way to approach the subject without causing harm is never easy.

Clinical psychologists often guide people through this challenge, helping them balance friendship advice with healthy relationship boundaries.

Dr. Gloria Morrow, an associate professor of psychology at The Chicago School, works with patients to navigate these delicate conversations and the emotional complexity behind them.

She explained to CNBC that the first step is understanding your motivation.

People want to speak up for many reasons, but approaching a friend thoughtfully is key to protecting both their safety and the friendship.

When to have an honest conversation

There are times when the warning signs are too serious to ignore.

Suppose a friend’s partner shows signs of physical abuse, controlling behavior, or serious problems such as substance abuse. In that case, experts emphasize the need for an honest conversation.

Even though the friend may still care deeply about their partner, focusing on the behavior rather than labeling the person is critical.

Morrow suggests being specific about concerning signs.

For example, a friend could point out visible bruises or other evidence that might indicate danger, always maintaining a tone that is supportive rather than judgmental.

She advises that the key is to be a supporter first. “You want to always be a safe place for your friend,” she says, “not a judge.”

After this conversation, ongoing support is crucial.

Sharing resources such as domestic violence hotlines or counseling services can reinforce healthy relationship boundaries and help guide your friend through the messy situation safely.

Friendship advice for subtle disrespect

Not all concerns are life-threatening, but subtle forms of disrespect can still harm your friend.

In messy relationships, a partner may make demeaning comments, criticize your friend’s appearance, or engage in manipulative behaviors.

Morrow recommends checking in privately and asking how your friend feels. Instead of focusing on your dislike of the partner, the conversation should center on the friend’s experience and well-being.

This is a way to offer friendship advice while respecting the friend’s autonomy and boundaries.

Suppose a friend’s partner appears to be behaving suspiciously, such as spending time with someone else. In that case, Morrow suggests approaching the subject carefully.

Let the friend know what you noticed, but give them space to decide whether they want to know more details.

Keeping the conversation gentle ensures that power remains with your friend and prevents unnecessary tension.

Knowing when to stay silent

Morrow is firm that there are situations where speaking up is not appropriate.

If a person simply dislikes their friend’s partner or thinks the friend could do better, but there is no risk to safety or emotional well-being, it’s best to stay quiet.

“Those are things that you need to keep to yourself,” Morrow says. “Because obviously your friend is happy with this person.”

Trying to intervene in minor disagreements or personal impressions can create more harm than good.

Even well-intentioned, honest conversations can strain or damage a friendship if they are not handled with care and respect.

Safeguarding the friendship during an honest conversation

When considering whether to speak up, Morrow encourages people to carefully weigh the potential consequences of their actions.

She notes that in all messy relationships, the friendship itself must be safeguarded.

“When we do speak up to a friend about who they’re dating or who they’re with, it could damage the friendship,” she says.

The goal is to be a supportive friend, not a judgmental one.

Focusing on a friend’s well-being, offering resources when needed, and establishing clear relationship boundaries are ways to maintain trust while navigating these tricky situations.

Learn how to have an honest conversation when you can’t stand your best friend’s partner by watching Popsugar’s expert tips and advice.