7 ‘silent marriage killers’ that can also lead to divorce but often go unnoticed until it’s too late

Most people are aware of the major problems that can damage a marriage, such as physical abuse, infidelity, or financial struggles.

However, there are also silent marriage killers, which individuals may not recognize. They could be facing these challenges without realizing their impact. People often divorce due to an accumulation of small issues that gradually deteriorate their relationship.

Lots of couples are divorcing for different reasons, often because of small problems that build up. Experts say many divorcing couples have similar hidden issues in their relationships.

Dr. John Gottman identifies four traits, called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” that can lead couples to fail in their relationships: stonewalling, sarcasm, contempt, and criticism.

Contempt, in particular, is highlighted as the strongest predictor of divorce.

Licensed professional counselor E.J. Smith agrees, noting that while the other three traits can also cause problems, contempt is especially damaging.

It distorts how people perceive their spouse and undermines the willingness to work on the relationship, even turning positive gestures into negative ones.

On the other hand, less obvious than cheating, silent marriage killers are hard to notice.

It’s important to spot them early before they become irreparable.

Here are some silent marriage killers that experts believe frequently result in divorce.

1. Avoiding conflict

Avoiding conflict is common because it’s uncomfortable. Still, according to Connie Omari, Ph.D., it’s a silent relationship killer as it stops conflicts from being resolved, leading to negativity buildup.

It is crucial to learn how to handle conflict properly.

“Not learning these skills is a sure way to kill your relationship silently,” she says.

2. Past trauma

Unresolved past trauma can silently damage your relationship by triggering negative reactions such as anxiety or insecurity, as explained by Omari.

For instance, past infidelity might lead to worry when a partner travels for work.

Therapy can help address and manage these issues, safeguarding your relationship from their impact.

3. Financial issue

Financial issues, according to divorce lawyer Russell D. Knight, often lead to divorce.

“Many couples keep their finances separate,” he says. “Not surprisingly, this does not bring couples closer together,” he said.

Concealing finances may lead to trust issues if discovered.

To avoid these problems, being financially transparent and aligned from the start can prevent the need for a divorce attorney.

4. Changes

Partners ideally grow together, but sometimes they change and outgrow the relationship, especially seen in older retired couples, notes divorce attorney Melissa Fecak, Esq.

“When they were working, the differences that developed were harder to detect,” she says. “Now that the distractions from the relationship are no longer present, it becomes more apparent that they don’t have as much in common as they once thought or they changed their opinions on how they want to handle things moving forward,” she added.

Natural change can lead to problems if partners don’t evolve together.

These issues often start subtly, but awareness can prevent divorce before negative feelings dominate the relationship.

5. Disregarding your spouse’s feelings

This issue can sneak up on you because it often happens unconsciously.

For instance, if your partner says they are cold, but you don’t, brushing it off as “not that cold” might seem innocent.

Yet, these small comments can build up over time.

According to Omari, unintentional offense can lead to problems if your partner feels invalidated, causing them to feel disconnected and unheard, which can harm the relationship.

6. Resentment

Christine Scott-Hudson, a licensed psychotherapist, highlights how unresolved resentments can become one of the silent marriage killers.

“Unhealed resentments in a relationship can be a death knoll for a breakup,” she said.

Resentment may appear through various behaviors like revisiting past conflicts or using passive-aggressive tones.

Its presence typically signifies insufficient open communication.

Maintaining a marriage requires prioritizing effective communication.

7. Stonewalling

Stonewalling, one of Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” happens when someone emotionally or mentally withdraws during a discussion or argument, as Dr. LaWanda N. Evans describes.

“They emotionally or mentally close themselves off from their partner due to being physiologically flooded or agitated to the point where they can’t discuss an issue respectfully,” Evans said.

It is hard to find a resolution to a problem when one person refuses to engage.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational or entertainment purposes only. Readers should consult professionals for personalized advice, and the author/publisher is not liable for actions taken based on the content.