Want emotionally intelligent kids? These 6 things they notice matter more than you think

Raising emotionally intelligent kids starts with understanding how much children watch and learn from the adults around them.

Experts say children not only hear words but also notice tone, body language, and even the small moments adults might overlook.

Because children learn from adults, how parents act and speak daily shapes how kids understand their own feelings and the feelings of others.

Parents influence kids’ emotions more than they realize. By paying attention to these subtle cues, caregivers can make small changes that help children grow emotionally stronger.

Here are six important things kids notice that can guide parents in raising emotionally intelligent kids.

1. What truly matters to you

Children pick up on what parents value — not just what they say but what they do. Clinical psychologist Laura Markham told HuffPost, “Kids notice what you actually value based on what you say and do. This is sometimes different from what you say you value.”

For example, parents might say sports are about fun and teamwork, but after the game, their first question might be about winning. Kids notice when honesty is encouraged, but small lies are ignored. Markham says children form their own values by watching what parents prioritize.

She urges parents to understand and show their values clearly every day. This helps kids learn what really matters in life.

2. How you speak about your child to others

Even if children seem distracted, they often listen when adults talk about them. Clinical psychologist Jazmine McCoy shared, “They may not know what it all means, but they can pick up the fact that you think negatively about what happened.”

Sarcastic or joking comments about a child’s behavior, like a meltdown in public, can hurt their self-esteem and damage the parent-child relationship. McCoy encourages parents to focus on solutions rather than mistakes and to speak about their kids with the same respect they use when talking to them directly. This helps build trust and emotional safety.

3. How you see your own body

Children watch how adults feel about their bodies, shaping how kids see themselves.

Registered dietitian Alyssa Miller said, “They can pick up on subtle — and not-so-subtle — actions, drawing conclusions about bodies. They learn what is considered good and bad, desirable and undesirable.”

Kids notice when adults avoid swimsuits, delete photos, or stay out of the camera’s view. These actions send strong messages. Miller pointed out that babies and toddlers don’t feel shame about their bodies until they hear negative comments or see adults’ insecurities.

Parents influence kids’ emotions deeply in this way, helping shape healthy body image from an early age.

4. How you relate to food

Food is another area where children learn from adults.

Miller explained, “Parents and caregivers directly influence the food choices kids make and the beliefs they form about what they eat.”

Simple words like calling cookies “dangerous” or labeling foods as “good” or “bad” are noticed by children and can lead to unhealthy attitudes about eating. Miller added that kids often eat the same foods their parents did as children and adults.

When parents model a balanced, positive approach to food, it helps children develop healthy habits and a better relationship with eating.

5. How you feel about your partner or other caregivers

Children notice how parents talk about other adults, even in quiet or joking ways. McCoy explained that kids pick up on silent signals like eye rolls and can sense criticism or negative remarks about other parents or caregivers.

Since kids often overhear adult conversations, speaking kindly about others is important, even when they’re not present. McCoy explained that this helps children feel safe and emotionally connected while lowering anxiety. She suggests parents let their children hear praise about other caregivers, such as fun activities with mom, dad’s cooking, or special visits with grandparents.

This creates a positive environment for emotional growth.

6. Your level of self-compassion or self-criticism

How adults treat themselves sends a strong message to children. Miller pointed out that kids’ kindness reflects the adults around them. She said that if parents are hard on themselves, children tend to learn self-criticism.

But when adults show kindness to themselves, admit mistakes, and keep going, they teach children resilience. Miller emphasized that children watch closely how adults handle setbacks and talk to themselves.

This shapes how kids deal with challenges and learn from their own mistakes.

Raising emotionally intelligent kids: Small moments, big impact

Raising emotionally intelligent kids starts with paying attention to the small, everyday moments children notice most.

Since kids learn by watching adults, parents have a bigger impact on their children’s emotions than they might realize.

By being aware of what children see and hear, caregivers can create a caring and supportive environment that helps kids grow emotionally stronger.

These changes don’t require perfection, just kindness and mindfulness.

When adults clearly show their values, speak respectfully, care for themselves, and treat others compassionately, they give children the tools to handle emotions well.

Parents and caregivers play a key role in shaping the next generation.

By reflecting on these ideas, they can help raise kids who grow up with kindness and resilience.

Here are eight things parents shouldn’t say if they want to succeed in raising emotionally intelligent kids: