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‘I don’t blame the girls. Not at all. I get it. All those jokes made everyone look at me as the fat guy.’

I don’t blame the girls. Not at all. I get it, I get it. But I’ve always wanted a wife. And kids. And as I get older it starts to get more real—I’ve never had a girlfriend.

I’ve always been the funny fat friend. It’s the one thing I’m good at. Making people laugh. It’s the greatest feeling in the world. Somebody is having a great time, and it’s because of me. I’ve always lived for that feeling: in elementary school, in middle school. But as I got older—something got twisted.

All my jokes became about myself. When it was time to eat the cake at a birthday party, I’d joke about the size of my slice. When it was time to jump in the pool, I’d joke about taking off my shirt. I’d say: ‘The moon is coming out.’

And it always got a laugh. Which felt good, but it kind of sucks. Because I don’t think I’ve ever taken off my shirt without making a comment. It’s my way of protecting myself. Like: ‘No asshole, you can’t make fun of me. Because I beat you to it.’

But I think it might have fucked me up. All those jokes, all those years. Because it made everyone look at me as the fat guy. It made me look at myself as the fat guy.

My twitter handle is ‘Fatrick Ewing.’ My bio says: ‘Fat white guy with glasses.’ It sort of became my identity. I’m just a fat, funny idiot. That’s what I think about myself. And I feel like that’s what everyone else is thinking too.

Every time I’m in a waiting room, and the seat’s a little too small. Or when I walk into CVS. My anxiety gets so bad I can barely talk to the person behind the register.

My therapist tells me: ‘You’re a good guy, you’re nice, who cares?’ And she’s right, I get it. But I also think if I wasn’t fat, I’d probably have a girlfriend.

But I’m trying to love myself more. Every day I’m working on it. I make deliveries for my job, and let’s say I leave my scanner in the car. My mind is immediately gonna say: ‘You’re a fat asshole.’

But I’m trying to stop myself. I’m trying to say: ‘No, you’re not. You just forgot. People forget.’ I’m trying to get back to Luke again. The nice, funny dude. Who loves his friends. And his family. Not Luke the fat guy. Just Luke, before he decided to bully himself.

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This story first appeared on Humans of New York Facebook page and is published here with permission. For more amazing stories and photography buy the book HUMANS by Brandon Stanton.

(If you wish to submit an essay (reflections on life), personal story (inspirational or humorous) or something that you witnessed that inspired you, please go HERE.)

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Friday 24th of March 2023

Oh u sweet man, you r amazing, strong, n smart. I just want u to see the beauty we see in you. You have stop putting urself down n say I am a Child of GOD, He loves me inside n outside. Say that in the mirror n wherever you go n it will start to sink in GOD BLESS YOU hope you find happiness some day ❤️🙏


Wednesday 22nd of March 2023

Luke, you seem like a nice young man. Stop with all the negative self talk. It seems you’ve realized you do it and that’s half the battle. The more confidence you have in yourself, the more you will put that out to others. It will also allow you to be open to others and give you a better chance at finding love. If your weight bothers you, whether for looks or health reasons, you and only you can change it. Talk to your doctor, get a nutritionist and work out in the gym. Weight training is great for weight loss and building muscle. But, however you decide to proceed in life, know that you matter! Good luck and Godspeed


Wednesday 22nd of March 2023

At 1st I thought it was weight loss Spam again. I'm glad I kept Reading. Your story literally broke my heart. You are a human with feelings. You have a lot to give .it's their shortcomings. Your defense mechanism This was even harder you. Maybe you should have just busted out crying as loud as You could every time someone hurt your feet. Is congratulations for coming to your senses. Don't do that to yourself anymore. Show the ladies how strong you can be.

Wednesday 22nd of March 2023

You have great value. You just don't fully realize it yet.

Tuesday 21st of March 2023

You are a very nice looking guy. Don't put yourself down like that but I know it's easier said then done as I'm the exact way. But I wish you luck and you will find someone when the time os right.

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