Psychologist names 4 things that harm marriages, known as the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’

Every marriage faces challenges, with some showing signs of divorce that can either strengthen the relationship or lead to separation.

While certain signs may encourage couples to work on their issues, there are stronger signs of divorce that suggest the marriage may be nearing its end.

In 1992, clinical psychologist John Gottman conducted a key study on marriage and divorce, published in the Journal of Family Psychology.

His research accurately predicted divorce in 94% of cases, Psychology Today noted.

Since then, he and his wife, Julie Gottman, have continued exploring the key factors that influence the success or failure of relationships.

Their research emphasizes key factors that influence whether a marriage succeeds or fails.

According to the Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, one of the clearest signs of divorce is the presence of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

This term, borrowed from the New Testament, refers to four behaviors that, when they appear frequently in a marriage, indicate major problems ahead.

Defensiveness, contempt, criticism, and stonewalling are signs of a potential divorce.

While these behaviors are common in many relationships, having more than one or seeing them repeatedly can question the marriage’s stability.

Understanding how these traits can cause issues and finding ways to manage them is key to handling relationship challenges.

Signs of divorce: the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

1. Defensiveness

Defensiveness often happens when someone feels attacked and responds with their complaints, avoiding blame.

This can include making excuses or saying, “It’s not my fault.” It can also involve cross-complaining and addressing your partner’s criticism with your complaints.

Other defensive actions include “yes-butting” or gaslighting, which dismisses your partner’s feelings, and repeating yourself without really listening.

To improve communication, focus on slowing down, understanding your partner’s viewpoint, and striving for honest dialogue and active listening, even if perfection isn’t possible.

2. Contempt

Contempt is a major warning sign of divorce. It includes any behavior or communication that shows you feel superior to your partner, such as mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, showing hostility, making insensitive jokes, using hurtful sarcasm, or sneering.

These actions attack your partner’s self-worth and can emotionally abuse or manipulate them.

Contempt damages the relationship and can also negatively impact your health, leading to more illnesses and poorer well-being.

To safeguard a marriage, couples must eliminate these behaviors and focus on building respect, appreciation, tolerance, and kindness.

3. Criticism

Criticism is normal in relationships, but it becomes damaging when it targets your partner’s character or implies something is wrong with them.

Phrases like, “You always…,” “You never…,” or “Why are you so…,” can make your partner feel attacked and defensive.

This kind of criticism can leave both partners feeling hurt and unheard. To avoid this, focus on specific behaviors rather than personal attacks.

Using “I feel” statements, such as, “When A happened, I felt B,” or “I need C,” helps express your feelings without making your partner defensive and reduces the risk of further conflict.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when someone withdraws from communication and the relationship to avoid conflict.

This behavior can include leaving physically, shutting down emotionally, giving the “silent treatment,” responding minimally, changing the subject abruptly, or walking out.

While it may seem like a way to manage overwhelming emotions, stonewalling signals disconnection and distance.

To handle stonewalling, it’s important to recognize when you or your partner are feeling overwhelmed, talk openly about your feelings, agree to take a break and resume the conversation when both are calmer.

Dealing with the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

These four behaviors can impact relationships over time, but a single issue usually won’t end your marriage.

However, if multiple predictors persistently damage your relationship, seeking a couples therapist might be necessary.

An unhealthy relationship can seriously affect your health, so it’s important to address these issues.

The Gottmans’ research shows that each of the four divorce predictors can be managed with specific strategies, per Verywell Mind.

1. Defensiveness

When you feel defensive, moving from avoiding blame to accepting responsibility is important. This shift can help resolve the issue more effectively.

2. Contempt

The Gottmans suggest that by focusing on your partner’s positive traits, you can lessen feelings of contempt. Instead of dwelling on what frustrates you, focus on the qualities you appreciate and value in them.

3. Criticism

The Gottman Institute suggests that conflicts are easier to resolve when you start discussions gently. Instead of launching into complaints or criticisms, begin with a softer approach. Research shows that how a conflict begins, particularly in the first three minutes, can predict whether a couple might face divorce.

4. Stonewalling

This behavior often comes from a desire to avoid anxiety or stress. To address this, learning self-soothing techniques such as grounding, visualization, deep breathing, and positive thinking can effectively reduce anxiety.

Effectively managing difficult behaviors in a relationship requires specific strategies. After an argument, it’s important to take responsibility for your role in the conflict and consider what changes you can make.

To ease tensions, focus on apologizing, showing understanding, or expressing concern rather than escalating the argument.

Negative interactions often create a cycle of reactions, but it is possible to break this pattern.

Also, take time to reflect on your emotions and identify deeper feelings. For example, check if anger is masking hurt. Understanding these emotions can be helpful.

While the Gottmans’ research offers useful advice, it may be time to consult a skilled marriage therapist if the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” still affects your relationship.

Here’s Dr. John Gottman talking about the signs of divorce he called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and how to make your marriage work: