Not everyone with toxic behavior is a narcissist—sometimes they’re just jerks, says an expert

Narcissism misdiagnosis is becoming more common as social media spreads quick advice on toxic behavior.

But psychologist Dr. Isabelle Morley says people should be careful before labeling others as narcissists.

While the label may seem fitting, she warns it can do more harm than good. Misusing it not only confuses real mental health issues but also puts strain on relationships and blocks honest conversations.

In her new book, “They’re Not Gaslighting You,” she explains that the term is often misused to describe anyone acting selfish or hurtful, Business Insider noted.

Not every jerk has narcissistic personality disorder

Dr. Morley acknowledges that many people behave in selfish or hurtful ways.

“They can be immature, mean, selfish, and unremorseful,” she writes in her book.

But she stresses that doesn’t automatically mean they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a mental health condition with strict diagnostic criteria.

Dr. Morley explains that people can lie, cheat, or manipulate without having a personality disorder.

She says the difference between being flawed and having Narcissistic Personality Disorder often comes down to emotional immaturity, not mental illness.

This distinction is critical. By confusing everyday toxic behavior with a psychological diagnosis, people risk labeling others unfairly.

This kind of narcissism misdiagnosis can ruin relationships and make it harder to address actual issues.

Narcissism misdiagnosis often overlooks growth and mistakes

To further make her point, Morley shares a personal story from college.

She describes a moment when she treated a close friend poorly after they returned from studying abroad.

“In this situation, I seemed narcissistic,” she writes. “I wasn’t empathic because I was too consumed by my own feelings and justifications.”

Although she regrets the way she acted, Dr. Morley is clear: “The point is, I was not a good person in that relationship, but that didn’t mean I had NPD. It just meant I was a jerk.”

This honest reflection illustrates how even people who generally care about others can sometimes behave selfishly or thoughtlessly.

Labeling those moments as narcissism isn’t just inaccurate—it also discourages understanding and growth. Recognizing the difference helps avoid another narcissism misdiagnosis.

The irony of concern: True narcissists don’t worry about being narcissists

Interestingly, Dr. Morley says some of her clients arrive genuinely afraid they might be narcissists.

She explains that many come to therapy worried and uncertain after being called narcissistic by a partner, child, or parent.

This fear, she notes, is often driven by confusion and emotional distress caused by the label.

However, Dr. Morley reassures her clients that their fears of being narcissists are often unfounded.

She explains that people who are truly concerned about their behavior are unlikely to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder since narcissists typically lack the self-awareness and empathy needed to question their actions.

In contrast, those seeking help are usually concerned about how they affect others, which is a key distinction.

So when someone is actively reflecting on their impact and seeking help, it’s usually a sign they are not a narcissist—just someone caught in the web of a harmful narcissism misdiagnosis.

Narcissism misdiagnosis harms relationships

Dr. Morley warns that the widespread misuse of psychological terms—especially “narcissist”—can be harmful.

She sees it often in couples therapy, where one partner tries to explain all their issues by diagnosing the other.

Imagine, she says, someone sitting down and saying: “‘Listen, I’ve figured out why this has been so bad, and it’s because you’re a narcissist… I can point out all your narcissistic ways so you can change them.’” The accused partner often reacts with “shock, anger, or devastation.”

This approach rarely leads to healing. Instead, it puts people on the defensive and creates tension that may not be fixable.

Dr. Morley has also seen children, parents, and siblings use the narcissist label as a weapon, often based on a misunderstanding or emotional pain—not clinical fact.

Many of these cases, she believes, are examples of narcissism misdiagnosis.

Choose words carefully: focus on behavior, not labels

Instead of using terms like “narcissist” or “gaslighter” in everyday conversations, Dr. Morley suggests describing the behavior you’re concerned about.

Was the person selfish? Uncaring? Did they lie or break promises? Those words are more accurate and helpful than jumping to a clinical diagnosis.

“As with gaslighting, I have rarely seen people accurately diagnose narcissism,” she says.

Dr. Morley points out that, in her experience, she has never seen a client correctly label their partner as a narcissist during couples therapy.

In fact, she’s found that the person misusing the term is often the one displaying more narcissistic traits.

Dr. Morley believes addressing specific actions is more effective than assigning a label.

It allows for clearer communication and opens the door for meaningful change.

Misusing labels can shut down dialogue, and in many cases, it results in a harmful narcissism misdiagnosis.

As the word “narcissist” becomes more common in everyday conversations, Dr. Morley hopes her book helps people pause before rushing to judgment.

After all, not every bad moment or hurtful action means someone has a mental disorder.

Sometimes, they just need to learn and grow—without the weight of a mistaken label.

Here’s Dr. Isabelle Morley talking about the narcissism misdiagnosis on a podcast clip where she discusses her new book “They’re Not Gaslighting You” via Eyes Wide Open with Nick Thompson: