Oftentimes, the telltale signs of toxic in-laws evade detection until after the vows have been exchanged. Despite our careful selection of a life partner, the arrival of in-laws, often unforeseen in their true colors, presents a unique challenge.
While we can choose our spouse, the familial ties they bring are beyond our control. It’s a sobering realization that the dynamics within a marriage extend beyond the couple themselves, impacting relationships with extended family members in ways we may not have anticipated.
Understanding family relationships can be tricky and might require a lot of changes. Before getting married, it’s a good idea to learn about your partner’s family. This can help you avoid problems that might come up later.
But if you’re already married and facing problems, it’s really important to recognize these issues and deal with them directly. Don’t ignore them or hope they’ll go away on their own. It’s better to face them and work through them together, so they don’t get worse over time.
In-laws should be supportive, but they can also be negative. If you suspect your in-laws are causing issues, here are some signs to look out for:
1. They disrespect boundaries
Sometimes, when in-laws are toxic, they don’t understand boundaries. They might show up at your place without asking, call you at any time, and ignore your plans altogether.
This behavior can make it hard for you to feel respected and in control of your own life. If you’re busy when they show up unexpectedly, they might get upset because they think you should always prioritize them.
2. They gossip about you
Toxic in-laws may engage in spreading rumors or making disrespectful remarks about you to your family or friends, leading to feelings of distrust. However, people who truly know you are less likely to believe everything they hear from your in-laws. Trust built on personal knowledge tends to outweigh the influence of hearsay.
3. They try to have control over your relationship with your spouse
In-laws may exert control over different aspects of your relationship, going as far as fabricating conflicts between you and your partner through untrue statements. Their interference can strain the harmony you share with your partner, creating unnecessary tension and discord in your relationship.
4. You have a hard time pleasing them
A clear indicator of toxic in-laws is when they’re never satisfied with anything you do. They might criticize everything, making you feel like you can’t do anything right. But it’s crucial to know that you don’t have to seek their approval as long as you’re doing your best as a spouse and parent.
5. Your in-laws don’t like you
Your in-laws may dislike you because they have specific ideas about who their child should marry and how they should live.
They might believe you’ve disrupted their plans. Sometimes, parents only approve of someone they’ve chosen for their child, leaving no room for anyone else to gain their acceptance.
6. They are constantly throwing unsolicited advice
Another indicator is where your relatives seem to have an inexhaustible supply of unsolicited advice, often assuming an air of authority on every matter, and showing little regard for your own perspectives and decisions.
7. They gaslight you
They could manipulate your emotions, like guilt or sadness, to control you or your spouse into doing what they want. It’s as if they’re playing with your feelings.
8. They ruin celebrations
They intentionally ruin special occasions like dinners or family gatherings, making them unpleasant instead of joyful, which is hurtful.
9. They are mean to you
Your in-laws might act nice in public but be mean to you in private. It’s frustrating, but it might not be your fault.
They could be worried about their child’s choice in marriage and dislike your relationship.
10. They want to control your life
One of the most annoying signs of toxic in-laws is they will always try to control your life, making decisions for you and criticizing your choices.
Remember, you don’t have to obey them, even if they speak to you rudely or become angry when you don’t follow their advice.
11. They’ll give you a cold shoulder
If your in-laws get upset with you, they might ignore you by not responding to messages or avoiding talking to you.
This silent treatment is a way of showing they are angry without saying it directly, and it can be considered a form of abuse. If this happens, try not to take it personally.
12. It’s always your fault
Toxic in-laws criticize you constantly and unfairly blame you for problems, even when you’re not at fault.
They might wrongly accuse you of affecting their child’s success, like not getting into medical school, even though it’s not your responsibility.
13. They show you fake love
Do your in-laws show love through words but not actions?
They might say and act like they care, but they don’t try to connect with you or understand you.
They may only pretend to love you to please their child without any intention of backing it up with actions.
14. They stick their noses in your finances
They interfere with your finances by pressuring you to spend in ways you dislike or by asking intrusive questions about your money, making you uncomfortable.
15. They treat you as a competition
They treat life like a contest to win your spouse’s love and attention.
They may try to overshadow you or make you feel like you’re always competing with them.
What to do when you see signs of toxic in-laws?
Dealing with toxic in-laws is tough, but remember to stay united with your partner and show respect, even if they’re unkind.
This can prevent regrets and arguments, and remember, their toxic behavior isn’t your fault if you haven’t done anything to upset them.
To safeguard your marriage from toxic in-laws and manage disrespect:
1. Establish clear boundaries in your relationship and home, ensuring your in-laws understand and adhere to these limits.
2. Allow your partner to address their parents if they’re disrespectful towards you, minimizing direct interactions to avoid conflict.
3. Prioritize mutual support within your relationship, focusing on each other’s happiness and needs.
4. Consider seeking couples therapy to enhance your connection and communication abilities.
Remember, while navigating challenging relationships with in-laws can be tough, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being and the harmony of your family.
You have the power to set boundaries, seek support when needed, and foster positive connections within your extended family. By focusing on love, respect, and mutual understanding, you can overcome obstacles and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships with your in-laws over time.
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I do agree with the other two comments. It is not always the in-laws who are toxic. Sometimes the daughter in law or son in law are. It can go both ways. I see a lot of articles that suggest that the parents are always the toxic ones. This needs to change. It is not always the parents or in laws. Generations today disrespect their parents and grandparents. I hope I live long enough to see some of these 30-40 year olds in their later years dealing with grown children and SILs or DILs. Their tune may change a bit. That said I don’t disagree that some have controlling parents and can cause toxic relationships. I have seen it both ways.
As the in-laws and parents and grandparents, we are not the toxic ones. the woman he married is the toxic one and is keeping us from him. I’ve chosen to back off because I want nothing to do with her. She’s a control freak. We don’t even know our grandchildren, my husband has lost his son. I feel so bad for him. So how do you deal with a toxic daughter-in-law?
@Kim Marx, I feel your pain, it has happened to my husband and I too. Took me many months of counseling to realize what a puppet we were in the game. I wish you luck because I know how difficult this is. However, know you are not alone. I know it doesn’t make it better but at least you know you are not crazy either. That is how we were made to feel. So many made up lies and accusations. Took a toll on relations with extended family that got involved too.
While these 15 signs could very well be true, something which is not is your putting words into people’s mouths or floating the outcomes as a given. The “Allow your partner…” comment in dealing with this is superfluous. How about putting some power back to the wronged party and “Ask your partner….”. This entire article is quite the buzz-kill.