5 signs you’re dealing with unresolved grief and therapists’ advice on how to move forward

If you feel your loved one has been grieving for too long, they may be experiencing unresolved grief.

We often hear about the five stages of grief after a loss—death, breakup, or job loss.

But some people don’t progress through these stages. Instead, they suppress their emotions and seem to skip them, often because they never had the chance to fully process their grief.

Psychotherapist Andrea Dorn explained to HuffPost that the toughest grief typically hits in the first six months after a loss and can come back within the first two years.

However, she notes that this timing can be different for each person.

Grief can resurface unexpectedly even years after a loss. Still, most people find their feelings ease over time, says Dorn, author of “When Someone Dies: A Children’s Mindful How-To Guide on Grief and Loss.”

However, some remain stuck, unable to move forward, which is called “complicated” or “unresolved grief.”

This condition, known as “prolonged grief disorder,” was officially recognized as a mental health diagnosis in 2021.

Unresolved grief happens when a person still feels deep emotional pain and sadness long after the typical mourning period.

“This can happen when someone has not had the opportunity to fully process or come to terms with their loss,” Dorn explains.

She also said that several factors can increase the chances of experiencing unresolved grief.

These factors include a sudden or traumatic death, a close relationship with the deceased, limited social support, and preexisting mental health or emotional issues.

Grief therapists outline the signs of unresolved grief to help people identify it and seek the necessary support for healing and moving forward:

1. They find themselves stuck in troubling or unhelpful thoughts about their death.

Inaccurate thoughts can lead people to wrongly blame themselves for things beyond their control, according to grief therapist Fanisha Calvert.

She explained that some may feel responsible for decisions made by others that contributed to a loved one’s death.

Calvert added that while partly true, unhelpful thoughts often stir up emotions like guilt and hopelessness.

“For example, having thoughts like, ‘I don’t care about what happens to me in the future if my loved one isn’t going to be a part of it. She’ll never see me graduate, so what’s the point?'” Calvert said.

2. They turn to numbing behaviors to cope with their feelings.

People often turn to drugs, alcohol, or food to numb their emotional pain.

However, this coping strategy can lead to serious issues, including substance abuse, overeating, and excessive screen time or sleep as a way to escape. In some cases, it may even lead to suicidal thoughts, according to Dorn.

3. They avoid reminders of the deceased or cling to them to cope.

People often avoid places, activities, or individuals that remind them of a lost loved one due to the overwhelming pain.

Dorn noted that this could include skipping visits to the cemetery, avoiding photos, or not participating in activities they once enjoyed together.

Such avoidance can make maintaining social connections and engaging in healing activities difficult.

Conversely, some individuals may strongly desire reminders of the deceased, such as frequently touching their belongings.

4. They have difficulties in accepting that their loved one is gone.

Many people have difficulty accepting the loss of a loved one, often feeling denial or disbelief about their death.

Dorn explained that some individuals may search for signs that the person is still alive.

This behavior can interfere with the grieving process and make it more challenging to face and work through the emotions associated with the loss.

5. They feel persistent and intense pain following the death.

Many people feel overwhelmed by emotions like sadness, anger, and despair after a loss, making it difficult to handle daily tasks.

Dorn noted that this can create a sense of being trapped in a cycle of grief, preventing individuals from experiencing joy or fulfillment in other areas of life.

Calver pointed out that the circumstances surrounding the death can also affect feelings, potentially leading to shame, stigma, isolation, or trauma.

“For example, those whose loved one died by suicide must wade through the emotional devastation and the stigma that accompanies a suicide death,” she said.

Additionally, unprocessed grief may result in increased anxiety and agitation, causing strong reactions to seemingly minor events, according to Dorn.

How do we move forward from unresolved grief?

To cope with grief effectively, people must first acknowledge their feelings and understand their emotions, according to Choosing Therapy. Developing strategies to manage these feelings is essential.

Coping skills may include practicing self-care and engaging in activities that help reshape their identity after a loss.

It’s also important to confront any unhealthy coping habits that may have formed, as this is crucial for complete healing.

Here are eight strategies for overcoming unresolved grief:

1. Write about your loss.

Journaling can be an effective tool for coping with the grief of losing a loved one. Writing down thoughts and feelings allows individuals to create a safe space for processing their emotions and understanding their loss.

2. Reach out to trusted friends and family.

Connecting with supportive family and friends is important when coping with the loss of a loved one.

It’s vital to seek out people who will listen without judging you and provide a safe space for your feelings. Knowing that someone cares can bring comfort during difficult times.

Additionally, discussing the deceased with others who knew them can be beneficial, as they may share stories or insights you haven’t heard before.

Conversely, avoiding conversations about your grief may prolong feelings of unresolved loss.

3. Accept the pain.

To begin healing from unresolved grief, it is important to recognize and accept the pain that comes with it. This can be a difficult challenge for many people dealing with loss.

When emotions are suppressed, the mourning process can last longer and complicate healing. However, embracing these feelings is essential for moving forward toward recovery.

4. Explore books by those who have faced loss.

Reading about the experiences of others who have gone through similar losses can be beneficial for many people as they cope with their grief.

There are numerous books available on grief and loss that provide inspiration and guidance for those feeling overwhelmed.

These books often share personal stories encouraging compassion and empathy, helping readers feel less isolated in their struggles.

Ultimately, these readings can offer hope, reminding those in mourning that they can also navigate and overcome their difficult experiences.

5. Finding a new purpose after losing a loved one.

Losing a significant other can leave many individuals feeling lost and uncertain about their identity.

This is particularly true for caregivers, whose lives often revolve around their loved ones. To cope with unresolved grief, it can be helpful to focus on new activities that provide fresh meaning and goals.

Many find comfort in dedicating their time to causes that honor their loved ones. For instance, those whose loved ones died by suicide might volunteer at a suicide hotline to help others.

Similarly, if the deceased loved nature, participating in environmental projects or tending to a garden can be a fulfilling way to channel grief into meaningful action.

6. Consider grief therapy

For many individuals, dealing with grief can be a difficult journey, making it helpful to consult a therapist who specializes in grief therapy.

These professionals aim to help individuals understand and process their emotions, acknowledging that while some feelings are common, everyone experiences grief differently.

Additionally, grief therapy offers a safe space for individuals to express their feelings openly. Many people do not have a support system where they can talk freely about their loss.

By discussing and identifying these emotions, therapists can provide coping strategies to assist individuals in managing their grief more effectively.

7. Join a support group.

Grief support groups can be essential for individuals who feel isolated in their sorrow. These groups offer a safe space for sharing feelings with others who have experienced similar losses, providing comfort and reassurance.

Members often show compassion and support, sharing valuable advice and resources for healing. Whether participating online or in person, joining a support group can be crucial in moving forward and establishing a “new normal.”

8. Establish grief rituals.

Grief rituals serve as a meaningful way to honor and express feelings of loss for a loved one. These practices acknowledge the connection shared with the deceased.

Examples include lighting candles or planting a tree or garden in their memory. By participating in these activities, individuals can externalize their grief, transforming deep emotions into visible acts of remembrance.

Here’s Teresa Lewis, founder and director of Lewis Psychology, talking about why grief gets stuck:

If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com or 988lifeline.org. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741741, calling 1-800-985-5990, or texting “TalkWithUs” to 66746 at the SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline.