17 signs you’re in a toxic relationship with a narcissist

Narcissist (n.)

1. an individual who shows an extreme sense of self-importance

2. someone overly concerned about their physical appearance

3. your ex, who, until up to this day, is still more in love with themselves than they will ever be in love with you

It is crucial to know how to spot a narcissist, as everybody, at some point in their lives, will come across a person with this personality disorder.

It could be a co-worker, family member, or someone you are in a romantic relationship with.

Some unfortunate souls, however, tend to get stuck with them somehow or end up in an abusive relationship with them.

The unluckiest ones are those who do not know what they are dealing with and thus continue to stay, even though the toxicity of the relationship is beginning to suffocate their own individuality.

But really, what does it take to determine if your partner’s self-centeredness and self-importance are still at healthy levels to sustain a sound relationship and good mental health?

First, let us define narcissism, or as Mental Health Professionals call it, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

NPD is a form of personality disorder characterized by pathological grandiosity — self-centeredness, feelings of entitlement, beliefs of them being better than others, which in turn makes them condescending—and attention-seeking tendencies; they have a need to have attention directed or focused on them, in one way or another.

How to spot a narcissist: Key signs in your relationship

Understanding how to spot a narcissist is vital for protecting yourself from emotional harm.

While only a trained mental health professional can officially diagnose NPD, recognizing warning signs can help you avoid long-term damage in a narcissistic relationship or from a toxic partner.

Here are 17 behaviors to watch for:

1. The Absence of True Connection

A profound sign that you are with a narcissist is the complete lack of emotional connection. They talk only when convenient and rarely ask about your dreams or plans. Their happiness is tied to prestige, money, or attention, making it hard to feel genuine love in the relationship.

2. Feelings of Manipulation and Control

You may feel subtly manipulated. Narcissists use veiled threats or guilt to get their way. “Antisocial Personality Disorder” by Kristy A. Fisher and colleagues explains that this is a common tactic to maintain control, leaving you unsure of what life was like before the manipulation began.

3. You Don’t Feel Good Enough

Even with accomplishments, you may feel inadequate. Constant criticism can drain energy, make hobbies seem pointless, and create shame, sometimes forcing you to hide behaviors from friends or family.

4. Constant Gaslighting

The Office on Women’s Health defines gaslighting as twisting reality to the point where you doubt your own experiences. Narcissists may insist, “You just don’t remember right,” making you question yourself while appearing charming to outsiders.

5. Avoiding All Conversations

Discussions often end in conflict, so you avoid them entirely. Narcissists gain satisfaction by controlling emotions and pushing buttons, keeping you off balance.

6. Feeling Responsible for Everything

Narcissists refuse to take responsibility. Apologies are rare, and you may be blamed even for their mistakes. This imbalance reinforces emotional abuse in the relationship.

7. Walking on Eggshells

Life can feel tense as minor incidents trigger extreme reactions, known as narcissistic rage. “Narcissistic Rage Revisited” by Zlatan Krizan and Omesh Joahr notes that even small slights, such as a co-worker receiving praise, can provoke outbursts, causing you to change decisions to avoid conflict.

8. Seeing Through the Charm

On the surface, they seem confident and charming, but behind closed doors, their controlling, critical side emerges. Friends may be deceived by their mask, leaving you to face their true nature alone.

9. Being Criticized Constantly

A narcissist frequently mocks appearance, clothes, or behaviors. They also demean others they see as inferior, reinforcing a constant environment of judgment.

10. Your Needs Are Ignored

Your partner prioritizes their own wants above yours. This may include sex on their terms, taking credit for your work, or favoring certain children to boost their image, and ignoring your emotional or physical needs.

11. Family Warnings or Obliviousness

Family may warn you about your partner’s behavior, or your partner may manipulate them to disbelieve you. Either way, family dynamics are strained, and you are left isolated.

12. You’ve Been Cheated On

Narcissists are skilled flirts and may engage in infidelity. “Sexual Narcissism and Infidelity in Early Marriage” by McNulty, JK, and Widman, L. discusses this pattern. Repeated cheating often indicates that it will happen again.

13. You Feel Unloved

The relationship often begins with “love bombing,” only to shift into devaluation and neglect, revealing the partner’s true self.

14. The Silent Treatment

Withholding affection or attention is a form of manipulation. This is not normal behavior in a healthy relationship, but a method to control and manipulate.

15. Being Stuck Financially

Narcissists may exploit finances by refusing to contribute, misusing funds, or leaving you to carry the burden, thereby further controlling your life.

16. Inability to Rely on Your Partner

Promises are frequently broken. You are left to handle responsibilities alone while your partner prioritizes convenience.

17. Asking for Change, But They Won’t

Narcissists resist change as it implies admitting fault. “You Probably Think this Paper’s About You: Narcissists’ Perceptions of their Personality and Reputation” by Erika Carlso and colleagues shows that even self-aware narcissists often blame others. Refusal to change is a major sign of a toxic partner in a narcissistic relationship.

Moving forward safely

Being with a narcissist can deeply affect mental health, says VeryWell Mind. Experts recommend evaluating the relationship carefully. If you are leaving, prepare a support system, including friends, family, or a therapist, to help you through this transition.

For those staying:

• Seek therapy or outside support
• Set and maintain firm boundaries
• Document conversations to combat gaslighting
• Stay calm and assertive
• Avoid gossip
• Learn about narcissism to recognize tactics

Recognizing these signs and knowing how to spot a narcissist protects your heart, mental health, and individuality in a relationship that may otherwise feel suffocating.

Here’s Dr. Ramani talks about the danger of enduring a narcissistic relationship:

(Note: This article is for informational or entertainment purposes only and not to be treated as a professional opinion, recommendation or diagnosis.)