Getting back with your ex? Experts explain when it is and when it is not good to reconnect

Is getting back with your ex a good idea? Many people have a TOTGA, or “the one that got away,” who they often wish could return to their lives.

However, relationship experts note that reconnecting with a past love can be a mixed bag—sometimes beneficial, but other times, it might not be the best idea.

Relationship coaches Susan Winter and Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario told PEOPLE that second chances in relationships can work when both partners have made positive changes.

“Reconsidering the relationship is valid when positive changes have occurred for both partners,” says Winter, considering if issues like addiction or communication problems have been resolved or if therapy has led to personal growth.

She also suggests that breakups made in haste should be reconsidered, especially when both partners better understand themselves.

“If they both are willing to do the work and leave the past in the past, sometimes the second time around can be even better,” Del Rosario adds.

Are you considering getting back with your ex?

Before getting back with your ex, Mark Williams, a licensed therapist with the relationship-coaching app Relish, advises considering what will be different this time.

He stresses that a successful reconciliation depends on whether both individuals have addressed the issues that caused the breakup.

“If you’re going to try to get back to the relationship, the obvious question is: Why didn’t it work the first time?” Williams told Business Insider.

To make a renewed relationship work, Williams advises addressing past issues openly.

Both partners should discuss what went wrong and how they’ve improved since the breakup to avoid repeating the same problems.

Williams highlights that couples who argue or break up often struggle with different communication styles and fail to talk healthily.

He notes that both partners may focus on winning the argument rather than listening and resolving issues.

Before getting back together, Williams also suggests addressing past problems like infidelity, addiction, and jealousy.

Williams believes that if both partners love each other and are committed to addressing their personal issues, they can resolve their problems.

However, he stresses that everyone must own up to their role in the original breakup.

Before rekindling a relationship with an ex, make sure it’s because they add something special to your life, not just because you’re lonely.

Williams advises understanding your motivations, as it’s easy to return to a familiar partner out of convenience.

If you’re unsure, talking to friends, family, or a therapist can help clarify whether the relationship is worth revisiting.

When not to get back with your ex?

While there may be several reasons to consider getting back with your ex, there are also many reasons why reconciliation might not be a wise choice.

“Exes should never get back together if there was abuse involved, whether it be physical, emotional or financial abuse. You don’t leave danger to return back to it,” said Del Rosario.

Experts advise against getting back with your ex if key issues remain unresolved. If a breakup happens due to an important problem, trying to get back together will likely lead to the same issues and another breakup.

Winter adds that issues like financial, sexual, or emotional infidelity undermine a healthy relationship. If past problems persist despite promises to improve, it’s time to move on.

She also cautions that staying in a relationship that repeatedly falls into negative patterns is not advisable, and ending it may be the best choice.

Winter and Del Rosario warn against returning together for reasons like shared children or financial issues.

Del Rosario says that if the relationship is toxic, staying apart is better for the kids, who learn more from observing unhealthy behavior than from being told about it.

Both experts also advise against reuniting for financial reasons, as it’s not a genuine reason and can add more stress to the relationship.

Instead, Del Rosario suggests partnering with a friend to share expenses and ease financial burdens.

The experts suggest couples must work on their personal issues to see if their relationship can progress.

Winter emphasizes that addressing the problems that caused the breakup is crucial, as unresolved issues will likely lead to failure again.

She also points out that effective communication and support are essential for a relationship’s survival.

Del Rosario suggests that therapy can be very helpful in understanding and resolving these issues.

She notes that a therapist can help couples create a plan to tackle the root of the conflict.

Additionally, both partners must forgive each other and let go of past grievances to move forward effectively.

If you are thinking of getting back with your ex and wonder if they feel the same, here are some signs your ex wants you back: