An argument with a narcissist can leave you feeling emotionally drained and confused.
According to experts, people with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have a strong desire to win disputes, as it boosts their self-esteem.
They often use various strategies to achieve this, stopping at nothing to stay in control and dominate the conversation.
Narcissists often have difficulty managing positive and negative feelings about someone simultaneously, a trait known as “object constancy.”
This emotional inflexibility can make arguments with them particularly intense.
Once a disagreement starts, they tend to fixate on their anger, overlooking the good parts of the relationship, resulting in minor conflicts escalating quickly and jeopardizing the entire relationship.
Narcissists may appear confident, but experts say their self-assured exterior often hides deep insecurities.
Psychotherapist Alena Scigliano explains to Business Insider that their bold behavior is usually a way to protect a fragile ego.
Even harmless comments or actions can feel like personal attacks to them, causing them to react defensively.
Understanding these tendencies is key to managing an argument with a narcissist and preventing conflicts from escalating.
1. Keep calm and use “we” rather than “I”
Experts recommend using strategies to defuse tension when dealing with a narcissist.
Psychologist Elinor Greenberg suggests using “we” instead of “I” or “you” to create a sense of teamwork and remind them you’re on the same side, which can help calm the situation.
Meanwhile, Scigliano advises staying calm, avoiding emotional responses, and focusing on facts to prevent conflicts from escalating.
Sharing emotions, she warns, gives narcissists a chance to manipulate the conversation and intensify the argument.
2. Avoid arguing about “right” and “wrong”
When arguing with a narcissist, trying to determine who is “at fault” is usually a waste of time, as they rarely accept responsibility.
Their main goal isn’t to “win” the argument but to feel satisfaction by belittling others.
Derek Jacques, a divorce attorney at The Mitten Law Firm, explained in a 2023 interview with Business Insider that “narcissists don’t argue to prove a point,” instead, their aim is to gain satisfaction from putting others down and making them feel inferior.
3. Know the signs of an argument
Scigliano explained that, over time, people can start to recognize the patterns of a narcissist.
Some signs that an argument is about to start include physical restlessness, intense facial expressions, darkened eyes, and a change in posture that makes them seem more threatening. Their voice may also become more profound or more forceful.
These behaviors reflect the narcissist’s need to regain control or assert dominance, Scigliano said.
4. Expect that an argument with a narcissist is just going in circles
Arguments with a narcissist often leave people feeling stuck in circles, unable to find a clear resolution.
Scigliano explained that narcissists are skilled at manipulating conversations, making it difficult for others to recall how the argument even started.
This manipulation leads to confusion and frustration with their repetitive reasoning.
“Oftentimes, people give up and give in just for the sake of ending the argument and reestablishing a modicum of peace,” she said.
5. Empathize with their emotions
Experts are divided on whether narcissists intentionally harm their loved ones, but their actions can still be damaging.
Narcissists often react with anger, frustration, or even violence when they don’t receive the admiration they expect, particularly from their partners, says Terrell Strayhorn, a professor at Virginia Union University.
“Their superiority complex compels them to lash out — verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and physically — against those who disappoint them,” Strayhorn said.
Greenberg recommends using empathy to help calm a tense situation with a narcissist.
People in relationships with narcissists often have strong empathy, which can be effective in de-escalating conflicts.
Acknowledging the narcissist’s feelings can be helpful, as it shows understanding and can shift the focus toward a more constructive conversation.
6. Anticipate cold shoulders or call your names
Greenberg explains that an argument with narcissists differs from typical relationship disputes.
In a 2023 interview with Business Insider, Greenberg shared how some of her clients became angry over minor issues, such as a package arriving during a session.
She noted that this behavior highlights the difficulty narcissists face in managing relationships without becoming aggressive.
When feeling hurt or offended, narcissists may accuse their partner of being “disrespectful” or “selfish,” as they view the world through a self-centered lens.
Narcissistic rage can take many forms, from name-calling to passive-aggressive behaviors like the silent treatment.
In extreme cases, a narcissist may even leave the relationship, often doing so in a calculated and distant manner, making it clear to the partner that they know exactly what went wrong.
7. Don’t deal with them on their level
Narcissists often lash out by bringing up past grievances or accusing you of selfishness when they feel hurt.
Psychologists advise avoiding engagement with them during these moments.
Jacques suggests holding back and not reacting, as even small comments can give a narcissist ammunition.
Greenberg further explains that ignoring name-calling can prevent the situation from escalating, as responding often fuels the narcissist’s desire to cause pain.
8. Steer the conversation by bringing up a topic they want
Narcissists often enjoy discussing themselves and can come off as know-it-alls.
One method to change the subject and reduce conflict is to introduce a new topic that interests them.
While this might not work during an argument with a narcissist, it’s likely to succeed once the tension has calmed.
Alternatively, asking for advice can be a subtle way to shift focus while also making the narcissist feel superior, helping to avoid further confrontation.
9. Put yourself first
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and cause lasting harm.
While specific tactics can help manage difficult situations, they don’t fix the underlying issues.
For many, ending the relationship is the most effective and safest choice. Since narcissists often fail to recognize their own flaws, they’re unlikely to change or seek help.
Ultimately, focusing on healthier relationships is a more rewarding and beneficial path.
Here’s Doctor Ramani discussing what to expect when you are in an argument with a narcissist:
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