Sibling rivalry is often brushed off as a regular part of growing up. But for many, the damage caused by early conflict doesn’t fade—it deepens.
These strained relationships can quietly turn into full-blown sibling estrangement in adulthood, creating deep emotional wounds that may never fully heal.
Peg Streep’s book, “Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering,” examines how rivalry, family loyalty, and emotional trauma shape the complicated journey of why siblings grow apart.
These complex bonds—formed in childhood but often tested in adulthood—tell a different story than most expect.
Most siblings aren’t as close as we think
While movies and family portraits may paint sibling bonds as unbreakable, the numbers tell another story.
An Institute for Family Studies report found that only 41% of adults feel close to their siblings.
About 37% say their connection is only “somewhat close,” and 22% report little or no closeness.
Streep’s research suggests that family dynamics, especially strained parent-child relationships, play a significant role in sibling conflict.
When parent estrangement leads to sibling rupture
Peg Streep’s interviews reveal that many adults estranged from siblings first had to walk away from a parent.
Meghan, a 50-year-old mother of two, shared her experience. After cutting ties with her abusive mother, her father stopped talking to her—and so did her siblings.
“Both my sister and brother sided with my parents and immediately stopped communicating,” she said.
They dismissed her claims of being scapegoated and even spread rumors about her in their hometown.
Though Meghan never suggested that her siblings be treated the same, they refused to acknowledge her experience.
Her story reflects a painful truth: when one sibling challenges the family narrative, others may defend it—no matter the cost.
How family dynamics shape sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry often begins in childhood but can be fueled by unequal treatment from parents.
Sometimes it’s subtle favoritism; other times it’s outright scapegoating. Researchers call this Parental Differential Treatment (PDT), and its emotional toll is long-lasting.
Julie, for instance, grew up hearing that she had “ruined” her parents’ lives.
“Even though my dad went on to get a great job and buy a house… the storyline never changed,” she recalled.
Her younger brother was the favorite, and to this day, they barely speak outside of Christmas.
This pattern of favoritism damages one child and reshapes how siblings see each other. It’s one of the strongest contributors to sibling estrangement.
When sibling rivalry is encouraged—not stopped
In some families, sibling rivalry is seen as usual, even healthy.
But when parents pit children against each other, or ignore toxic competition, it can lead to lasting resentment.
The assumption that rivalry builds strength is deeply flawed.
When competition becomes shame-based or one child is constantly blamed, it causes emotional harm that lingers into adulthood.
What starts as playful teasing may evolve into lifelong alienation.
The pain of ignored sibling abuse
Sometimes, what gets dismissed as rivalry is actually abuse.
In a book “Sibling Aggression,” Dr. Jonathan Caspi explains that even professionals—doctors, therapists, teachers—often miss the signs of abuse between siblings.
Streep’s research echoes this, showing how family dynamics can blind parents to bullying in their own homes.
When one child consistently dominates or harms another, and no adult intervenes, the seeds of sibling conflict grow into something much more profound.
Why siblings grow apart in adulthood
Not all estrangement stems from childhood trauma. Many siblings who once got along naturally drift apart.
Adult choices—like careers, partners, values, or politics—can reveal fundamental differences that make reconnection hard.
Sometimes, as Streep writes, “the choices cited as causes of estrangement are just reflections of one sibling’s not liking the other very much.”
Still, emotional separation doesn’t always mean total silence.
Some siblings keep occasional contact through holiday cards or short texts—but feel no deeper connection.
Why healing sibling rivalry can be so difficult
Unlike parent-child estrangement, which carries social pressure to reconcile, sibling estrangement is often overlooked.
Some adults feel no shame or urgency about growing apart from a sibling.
Streep recalls that while she faced judgment for cutting ties with her mother, almost no one reacted to her estrangement from her brother.
There are several reasons reconciliation feels out of reach:
- Family loyalty runs deep. Even after parents pass, surviving siblings often carry forward the same roles and judgments—especially when inheritance is involved.
- Many people won’t revisit the past. Phrases like “let it go” or “move on” can shut down the honest conversations needed to repair a relationship.
- There’s confusion between blame and accountability. Some siblings see any mention of childhood pain as an attack, rather than a step toward healing.
- Not everyone wants reconciliation. In a 2022 study by Lucy Blake, some participants described estrangement as painful. Others said it brought peace—and had “little or no ongoing emotional impact.”
A quiet truth: estrangement isn’t rare
Lucy Blake’s research challenges the idea that sibling bonds are always strong. In one Dutch study, 13% of adults had almost no contact with a sibling, Psychology Today noted.
Some said their relationship had always felt distant. Others said childhood closeness faded over time.
Many participants described their siblings as “toxic” or “like a stranger.” Some hoped for healing, while others felt safer keeping a distance.
Their stories prove that why siblings grow apart varies from person to person.
Acceptance is a form of peace
Estrangement isn’t always the result of a single argument. Often, it’s a slow unraveling caused by years of feeling misunderstood or unseen.
For those carrying the pain of a lost sibling connection, it helps to know you’re not alone.
Sibling rivalry doesn’t always fade with age. But understanding it—and the roles family plays in shaping these bonds—can lead to greater compassion.
Whether healing is possible or not, acceptance can still bring peace.
Here’s a TEDx Talk featuring Kyara Lalli, where she talks about sibling rivalry caused by comparison.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Always consult a qualified expert or licensed professional for guidance regarding any questions or concerns.
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