Important signs of toxic jealousy in your relationship: ‘Don’t miss these 7 red flags’

Jealousy in relationships is common when someone feels insecure about their connection. While it’s natural, unreasonable, or toxic, jealousy that causes controlling or abusive behavior is not acceptable.

Toxic jealousy harms relationships by damaging trust, causing uncertainty, and sparking conflicts.

It can lead to controlling behavior, like constant monitoring, which stifles freedom.

This makes the person being watched feel trapped and resentful, leading to emotional distance and hurt feelings between partners.

What causes excessive jealousy?

Jealousy can stem from various reasons:

• Low self-confidence: Feeling inadequate may lead to fear of losing a partner to someone perceived as better.
• Insecurity: Doubts about the relationship or one’s attractiveness can trigger jealousy.
• Overthinking: Creating negative scenarios in the mind may cause jealousy and misinterpreting innocent actions.
• Paranoid personality: Mistrust and assuming the worst without evidence can intensify jealousy.

Trust issues: Past betrayals make it challenging to trust a partner fully, breeding jealousy even in healthy relationships.

Signs of toxic jealousy

Vanessa Roberts, PsyD, LMFT, a couples therapist from Sacramento, California, suggests that jealousy isn’t always a significant relationship problem.

It often arises from feelings of anxiety, suspicion, paranoia, or insecurity, especially when there’s a fear of losing someone important.

“Although most of us don’t like this emotion, jealousy can actually be a healthy indicator that we don’t feel secure and need some reassurance from our partner,” she says.

However, jealousy becomes serious if self-doubt leads to extreme accusations or controlling behavior.

“The biggest difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy is how we manage it,” Dr. Roberts added.

Healthy jealousy is normal and temporary, while unhealthy jealousy is harmful, explosive, and indicative of a desire to control, SELF noted.

Therapists share signs to recognize when jealousy becomes a significant issue in a relationship:

1. Your partner tracks your every move

Keeping tabs on everything you do can be worrying in a relationship.

While it’s okay for partners to be curious about late-night calls or hangouts with friends, feeling pressured to report every move or show texts can signal toxic jealousy.

Therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW warns against constant surveillance, noting that it’s not a good solution and can lead to an invasion of privacy.

“Constantly keeping tabs on your every move, like regularly snooping on your phone, is an unsustainable fix,” she said, adding that while it might ease their worries momentarily, it leads to ongoing surveillance, infringing on your privacy.

Even if you’ve lied in the past, controlling behavior isn’t acceptable. It not only strains the relationship but can also be emotionally abusive.

In a healthy relationship, you should feel relaxed and safe, not suffocated or controlled.

2. Your partner keeps you from the company of others

It’s not common for someone to feel completely fine when their partner shares inside jokes with an attractive best friend.

Hartstein explains that feeling insecure in such situations is normal, but there’s a difference between temporary jealousy and controlling behavior.

While everyone has insecurities, no one has the right to control who you spend time with.

However, this doesn’t mean you should entirely ignore your partner’s concerns.

Dr. Roberts suggests that if something, like hanging out with an ex, makes them uncomfortable, you can understand their perspective and set boundaries together.

Similarly, suppose they’re worried about a trip with unfamiliar friends. In that case, you can compromise by checking in regularly or introducing them beforehand.

Yet, if you’ve already tried compromising and being open, and your partner continues to excessively question or doubt you when you’re with others, it’s a red flag that their “concern” might actually be controlling or abusive behavior disguised as care.

3. Your partner’s jealousy sparks an angry outburst

Suppose you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, telling small lies, or being cautious because you’re afraid of upsetting them. In that case, Dr. Roberts advises taking a step back to understand why.

For instance, are you quick to answer their calls because you fear their anger if you don’t do it? She emphasizes that this constant worry about their reaction is a big warning sign.

Dr. Roberts explains that feeling like you’re you’re walking on eggshells indicates a lack of openness in the relationship and could be a sign of emotional abuse.

You should feel comfortable sharing your plans without anxiety and be able to express your thoughts, even if they differ.

She concludes that you should trust your gut if you feel uneasy about their response; it could mean you don’t feel safe with them.

4. Your partner tries to isolate you from everyone, even your friends and family

According to Hartstein, it’s a big warning sign if your partner criticizes your loved ones or tries to convince you they’re the only one you can trust.

They might be isolating you from your support network to control and manipulate you, which both Hartstein and Dr. Roberts agree is often a sign of an abusive relationship.

These attempts to isolate you can range from subtle criticisms to extreme reactions.

Dr. Roberts emphasizes the importance of having connections outside romantic relationships for personal growth.

Being independent from your partner, with your own friends and interests, is crucial for a healthy relationship, she adds.

A caring partner will encourage you to be yourself and engage with the people and activities you love.

5. Your partner starts to blame and gaslight you because of jealousy

If your partner’s jealousy constantly makes them think you’re at fault, or they believe they understand your feelings better than you do (“Why were you looking at that guy?”), it indicates they prioritize their own feelings over yours and seek control.

They should be willing to reflect on their own reactions instead.

6. Their jealousy can lead to threats, either towards you or involving the possibility of self-harm by your partner

In relationships, threats are often seen as direct statements of physical harm.

However, in controlling relationships, threats can be subtle, per Psychology Today.

One way to control is by threatening self-harm. A controlling partner might say they’ll hurt themselves if you make them jealous or try to leave the relationship.

7. Your partner’s jealousy is shameful

If you feel like you have to hide how jealous your partner is when you talk to your family or make excuses to your friends for why you can’t go out, it might mean your partner’s jealousy is more than typical.

Pay attention to it, especially because it could strain your relationships with your support network.

Watch Támara Hill, a Licensed Psychotherapist and International & Board-Certified trauma therapist, talk about how to deal with toxic jealousy below:

If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, help is available. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224, or text “START” to 88788 for confidential support, safety planning, and guidance on what to do next.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational or entertainment purposes only. This is not a diagnosis or recommendation. Readers should consult professionals for personalized advice, and the author/publisher is not liable for actions taken based on the content.