What Not to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving

Finding the right words for someone who’s grieving can be hard.

Typical phrases can feel insincere, but trying something different might make you worry about hurting them. Just remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way.

Grief is common, and we all struggle with what to say and what not to say.

Everyone handles grief differently, so there’s no single right thing to say to someone who’s grieving.

Two women sitting on a bench at a cemetery and looking at a photo — Pexels

However, there are some helpful guidelines to keep in mind.

Be cautious of comments that might make them feel worse, and instead focus on showing love, support, and understanding during this difficult period.

But remember that what’s crucial is showing genuine care and understanding, not talking too much.

Your tone, body language, and other nonverbal cues are as significant as your words.

What not to say to someone who’s grieving?

Below are the phrases that may hurt someone who is grieving, according to Empathy‘s Grief Specialists:

Woman crying with someone's hand touching her shoulder for comfort — Pexels

Discussing your own loss

Saying things like, “When my father died, I was a mess,” can come across as dismissive to someone grieving. Remember, you can’t fully understand their feelings about their loss.

Instead of trying to relate, share a positive memory of the person or ask the grieving person if they want to talk about their loved one.

Offering vague help

Friends often offer vague help, such as “Let me know if you need anything,” after someone loses a loved one, but they often don’t follow through.

This can make the grieving person feel like their friends aren’t sincere and want to feel better.

Vague offers also put the burden on the grieving person to ask for help.

So, it’s better to offer specific help, like “I’ll check in on you later” or “I’ll bring groceries over.”

There’s a lot to do when someone goes through a loss, like paperwork and organizing.

Your friend might not ask for help, but they likely need it. If you’re close, offering specific help, like cleaning or sorting paperwork, can be a big help.

Don’t assume

When trying to connect with someone, we might say things like “You’re doing great” or “They wouldn’t want you to be sad,” assuming we understand how they feel.

But assuming can make them feel misunderstood. Also, don’t assume a grieving person only wants to talk about their grief; everyone needs a break sometimes.

Pay attention to their cues, and talk about something else if they need a distraction.

Woman comforting a crying friend — Pexels

Don’t cheer them up

Bright-side statements, like “You’re lucky your mom is still here,” are often used to cheer someone up by focusing on the positive.

However, they can make the person’s pain seem less important.

Instead, give them space to talk about their loss if they want to, and acknowledge their feelings by saying things like “Your sister was special; I miss her too.”

Unsolicited advice

The rule is simple: don’t give advice unless asked. Unsolicited advice can make someone feel judged for their grief.

It’s important to remember that healing takes time, and pushing them won’t help.

Instead, affirm their feelings and let them grieve in their own way, saying things like “Listen to your body” or “Take things at your own pace.”

Religious sentiments

It’s best to avoid religious comments when someone is grieving, even if you know they’re religious.

Everyone’s faith is personal, especially during loss. Saying things like “It’s what God wanted” might not be comforting.

Although the grieving person might find solace in their faith, they could also struggle. So, it’s better not to mention religion in your condolences.

Instead, focus on honoring the person who passed away by sharing positive memories, like saying, “He was a wonderful man” or “She brought happiness wherever she went.”

Don’t judge them

Judging someone during their grief doesn’t help them. Hurtful comments like “You should be over it by now” or “You need to sleep and eat more” are never okay.

Grief is unique for each person, and there’s no right way to grieve. Even if these comments are meant to help, they often make the person feel worse.

Instead, support their chosen coping mechanisms, like saying, “I’m glad you’ve started grief counseling.”

What to say to a grieving person

Rebecca Soffer, who co-founded Modern Loss, and Jenni Brennan, LICSW, share tips on what to say to a grieving person, per Real Simple.

Here are their suggestions.

Acknowledge their feelings

Acknowledge their feelings instead of asking generic questions. Soffer recommends letting them know you understand they’re going through a tough time.

Avoid dismissing their emotions and offer supportive phrases like “I know this is really hard for you” or “It’s okay to find this difficult.”

Comfort the grieving person

Focus on comforting the person who is hurting. Even if they’re relieved their loved one is no longer suffering, it doesn’t lessen their pain.

Rather than talking about the person who passed away, offer support to the grieving individual with phrases like “I’m sorry you’re in pain” or “I’m here for you while you’re hurting.”

A group of people grieving near a coffin — Pexels

Support their loss

When grieving, accepting the loss of someone you care about is tough.

Pain mainly stems from losing a loved one, so it’s crucial to acknowledge this rather than treat it as normal. This support helps the grieving person feel understood.

You could offer phrases like “I bet you miss them a lot” or “You’re probably remembering how much you loved them.”

Let them feel your presence

Supporting someone who’s grieving can mean a lot. Whether you listen, be there when they need to cry, or simply visit, they’ll appreciate knowing you’re there for them.

Encourage them to lean on you, even after the funeral.

You could offer phrases like “I’m here for you” or “Can I come over and keep you company?”