What is ‘floodlighting’ in dating and why do relationship experts say it’s totally toxic

Emotional manipulation in dating doesn’t always look like control or harsh words.

Sometimes, it appears in quiet moments, like when someone you’ve just met shares their deepest wounds over dinner, leaving you unsure how to respond.

It can feel like a test. A rush. A weight you didn’t expect.

This growing behavior, known as floodlighting, draws attention online, especially on TikTok, where countless users share stories of early oversharing that felt more like pressure than connection.

Floodlighting and the hidden signs of emotional manipulation in dating

Mental health experts say floodlighting is a dating red flag, especially when it bypasses natural emotional pacing.

It involves opening up with deeply personal details too soon, often before trust can grow.

Researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown describes this pattern as a shield rather than genuine openness, says VICE.

In “The Power of Vulnerability,” she writes, “Oversharing? Not vulnerability. I call it floodlighting.”

Brown explains that while it might look like honesty, it’s a way to avoid real vulnerability by controlling the narrative early on.

Licensed counselor Emma Kobil sees this behavior often: “This concept resonates because so many people — especially those with unresolved trauma — are desperate for deep connection, but aren’t sure how to build it safely,” she explains.

Emotional shortcuts often backfire

According to therapist Sarah Hodges, floodlighting can unintentionally overwhelm the other person.

“In some cases instead of bonding, it can catch the other person off guard and create pressure instead of connection,” Hodges told TODAY.

She notes that social media is partly to blame. Oversharing is normalized and encouraged online, making it the fastest way to build a bond.

However, in dating, this intensity often creates emotional confusion rather than closeness.

When vulnerability becomes a tool: Emotional manipulation in dating

Dating expert Jessica Alderson warns that floodlighting can sometimes cross the line into emotional manipulation in dating.

In an interview with Glamour, she said it often looks like “sharing a lot of personal details all at once — to test the waters, speed up intimacy, or see if the other person can ‘handle’ these parts of you.”

Alderson describes this as using vulnerability like “a high-intensity spotlight,” which can put unfair pressure on the other person to respond in kind, even if they’re not ready.

This imbalance can lead to a false sense of closeness or guilt when one feels emotionally responsible for someone they barely know.

How to avoid floodlighting on dates

So, how do you avoid floodlighting on dates, especially when you crave connection?

Therapist Payal Patel believes awareness is the first step, Well+Good, noted.

People with anxious attachment styles or past trauma may share too much too soon, hoping to speed up bonding. But Patel encourages both self-reflection and patience.

She also advises taking things slow: Start with everyday conversations instead of diving into heavy topics early on.

Talk about a rough day at work or a recent challenge. Let emotional depth build naturally.

Patel offers a gentle analogy to explain a healthier pace.

Building a connection with someone new is like slowly turning up a light dimmer instead of suddenly switching on a bright floodlight.

She adds, “We want gradual brightness not all at once, because our eyes can be so sensitive to light.”

Recognizing emotional strength and breaking cycles of emotional manipulation in dating

If you’ve recognized floodlighting in your past behavior—or felt overwhelmed when someone did it to you—it’s not too late to change course.

Progress can look like choosing to pause before opening up. It can mean holding space for silence, allowing trust to build in small steps. It’s also about learning to say, “Let’s take our time.”

Setting boundaries and honoring your emotional pace is a sign of strength, not distance. It shows self-respect and creates space for real connection to grow, without pressure or performance.

Real intimacy doesn’t rush

In a world where instant gratification is the norm, avoiding emotional manipulation in dating means embracing the slow, steady light of genuine connection.

Floodlighting may be born from pain, but it doesn’t have to define your story. With time, awareness, and patience, emotional healing becomes possible.

And in that space, a deeper, more lasting intimacy can finally begin to shine.

Here’s a quick news story via FOX 5 New York about a new dating trend called “floodlighting,” which may be a subtle form of emotional manipulation in dating: