11 signs of deception you shouldn’t ignore to recognize them before they grow, experts say

Deception in a relationship can be one of the most damaging experiences a couple faces, especially when it leads to infidelity.

When one partner deliberately hides important information or misleads the other, it creates a deep sense of betrayal.

Deception can show up in many ways—from small lies to long-held secrets—but even minor acts slowly destroy trust and weaken the foundation of a relationship.

Infidelity is among the most painful forms of betrayal. It involves forming romantic or emotional bonds outside the primary relationship, breaking the unspoken agreement of loyalty.

Discovering infidelity, whether it’s a one-time event or a prolonged emotional affair, triggers intense feelings: anger, confusion, grief, and deep disappointment.

For many couples, the central question becomes whether trust can be rebuilt after such a blow.

Deception vs. a simple lie

Although often used interchangeably, deception and lying are distinct concepts. Lying usually means stating something false.

Deception, however, is broader—it encompasses any behavior or strategy that misleads, manipulates, or conceals the truth, including actions, words, or the omission of details.

In this way, lying is only a small piece of the larger pattern of deceptive behavior.

Even so-called “white lies” are common. For instance, a partner might compliment a poor haircut or a bad joke to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings.

Researchers Warneken F and Orlins E (2015) warn that repeated small lies, though well-meaning, can gradually harm the relationship.

Why partners engage in deception

People lie and engage in deception for many reasons, ranging from harmless to destructive, according to Laura Sgro, LCSW, a therapist based in Los Angeles.

“Although intent does not trump impact, it’s worth considering the intention of the lie, as well as the context you have about the person,” she told Everyday Health.

Researchers have often categorized lies based on their intent.

Studies by Mann, H., et al. (2014) classify lies as prosocial (to protect the relationship) or antisocial (to defend oneself).

Others, like Katarzyna Cantarero et al. (2018), distinguish between other-oriented and self-oriented lies.

The main idea is the same: not every lie is equally harmful.

Prosocial lies, often called white lies, aim to protect feelings or benefit the partner. Sgro notes: “It’s meant to protect someone’s feelings or help them in some way.

The intention behind this type of lie is often well-meaning.” Examples include complimenting a gift you do not like or avoiding a minor, hurtful comment.

Antisocial lies, by contrast, serve the liar’s own interests. They can include fabricating stories to hide wrongdoing.

Sgro adds, “The intention behind this type of lie is much less altruistic.”

Studies, including research by Samantha Sprigings et al. (2023), show that even when undetected, these lies reduce social connection, partly because liars often assume that others are dishonest as well.

A more extreme form is compulsive or pathological lying, involving five or more lies daily.

This behavior may indicate a personality disorder or separate condition, affecting 8 to 13 percent of the population, according to the book “Pathological Lying: Theoretical and Empirical Support for a Diagnostic Entity.”

Common reasons for deception in a relationship

Each relationship is unique, but several patterns appear across many partnerships:

• Avoiding conflict: Small lies can prevent arguments (Reid CA et al., 2021).
• Preserving self-image: Hiding flaws or exaggerating successes to appear more favorable.
• Seeking approval: Lying about likes, dislikes, or achievements to gain a partner’s acceptance.
• Hiding insecurity: The fear of loss can lead people to conceal their vulnerabilities.
• Shielding the partner: Protecting them from uncomfortable truths, such as opinions from family members.
• Fearing consequences: Covering up habits or mistakes to avoid judgment.
• Maintaining independence: Deception can help preserve personal privacy.
• Feeling cornered: Manipulative acts, such as gaslighting, may shift blame or avoid accountability.

11 warning signs of deception in a relationship

Understanding these warning signs can help a partner identify when trust is being compromised, says Verywell Mind:

1. White lies: Frequent small lies to prevent confrontation (Brianna L. Verigin et al., 2019).

2. Serious lies: Misleading about whereabouts or activities, such as claiming work hours that don’t exist.

3. Financial deception: Hiding income, debt, or spending (Dew JP et al., 2022).

4. Embellishing backgrounds: Exaggerating one’s past to impress a partner.

5. Fabricating stories: Making up tales to manipulate sympathy or opinion.

6. Omitting information: Leaving out key details on purpose.

7. Covering lies: Creating additional deception to hide previous falsehoods.

8. Withholding emotions: Pretending to be fine when serious issues exist.

9. Hiding bad habits: Concealing substance use or harmful behaviors.

10. Gaslighting: Using lies and manipulation to make the partner doubt reality.

11. Cheating: The ultimate betrayal, destroying trust and intimacy.

Ending a relationship built on deception

When deception undermines trust, ending the relationship may be necessary. Marriage.com emphasizes that no one should remain with a partner who consistently pretends or manipulates.

Steps to move forward include:

• Communicate your feelings: Ask for a direct conversation about your needs. If unmet, prepare to leave.
• Cut off contact: Distance is essential to avoid slipping back into patterns of deception.
• Stand firm: Resist attempts to reconcile prematurely. Focus on personal growth and recovery from the betrayal of trust.

Deception in relationship dynamics, whether subtle or severe, can erode honesty, shake trust, and lead to emotional pain.

Recognizing the warning signs, understanding motivations, and taking action when necessary are vital steps in protecting oneself and building healthier, more honest relationships.

Watch psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, explain practical steps to handle deception in a relationship and protect your trust and honesty.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a qualified expert or licensed professional with any questions or concerns you may have.