9 traits that quietly appear in adults who never received positive affirmation in childhood

Positive affirmation might seem small, but psychologists say it can change how a child sees themselves and the world.

Words like “I’m proud of you” can shape confidence, promote emotional healing, and help repair childhood emotional wounds that might otherwise carry into adulthood.

While positive words can’t cure everything, they can build strength, hope, and self-worth that lasts a lifetime.

Many adults already use affirmations, such as those through meditation or journaling, to boost their self-esteem and stay motivated.

But experts say it’s in childhood—when emotional foundations are still forming—that positive affirmation has the most profound and most lasting impact, Parade noted.

Why positive affirmation in children matters

Children learn who they are through the words and actions of the people around them. When they hear encouragement and validation, they begin to believe in their own value.

“Positive affirmation, whether it’s verbal or communicated in other ways, contributes to an internal working model in which kids see themselves positively, see the world as a safe place and see other people as being sources of support, all of which set them up for emotional wellbeing and healthy relationships in the future,” explains Dr. Alice Connors-Kellgren, PhD, a clinical psychologist and Director of the Developmental Trauma Clinic at Tufts Medical Center.

Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, added that hearing “I’m proud of you” from parents or caregivers helps children build trust and emotional security.

This kind of affirmation reassures them that they are loved not for what they do, but for who they are—laying the groundwork for a strong sense of self-esteem.

9 hidden effects of a lack of positive affirmation

Psychologists say that hearing “I’m proud of you” is key to healthy growth. Missing these words isn’t the only cause of life challenges, but Dr. Santorelli says it plays a significant role.

Research by Dr. Santorelli, Dr. Connors-Kellgren, and Dr. Cynthia Shaw shows that adults may develop 9 common traits if they didn’t receive positive affirmation as children.

1. Feeling Bad About Yourself

Children who don’t hear praise may feel unimportant. Dr. Connors-Kellgren says, “Saying ‘I’m proud of you’ lets kids know that they have worth, both in who they are and their accomplishments.” Without this, adults might question if they matter. Dr. Santorelli adds that they may skip opportunities because they feel “not good enough.”

2. Not Knowing Who You Are

Kids need encouragement to understand themselves. Dr. Shaw says, “One of the most common traits a person may develop when not provided positive affirmation as a child is a lack of identity or a clear sense of self.” Without positive affirmation, children may grow up unsure of their likes, beliefs, and identity.

3. Trying to Be Perfect

Some try to be perfect to avoid feeling “bad.” Dr. Shaw explains that if children only hear praise after achievement, they may think love must be earned. Dr. Santorelli adds that this can lead to setting goals that are too high and missing the joy of accomplishment.

4. Trying Too Hard to Please Others

Dr. Shaw says people-pleasing develops when kids chase praise. They do things—even harmful ones—to feel liked and accepted.

5. Doing Everything Alone

Children who don’t feel emotionally supported may try to handle life on their own. Dr. Santorelli says, “Growing up without positive affirmations as a form of emotional support and nurturance may give you the message that you are on your own and it’s safer not to rely on others for support.” This is called “hyper-independence.”

6. Feeling Very Sad (Depression)

Dr. Connors-Kellgren notes that low self-esteem from missing praise can lead to depression. Adults may see themselves and the world negatively.

7. Feeling Worried (Anxiety)

Not hearing these words may make people anxious. Dr. Connors-Kellgren says uncertainty about skills or belonging can lead to persistent worry.

8. Doubting Yourself

Adults often second-guess decisions if they missed hearing this phrase. Dr. Santorelli says a lack of positive affirmation in childhood can weaken inner confidence, making self-doubt normal.

9. Trouble in Relationships

A child’s bond with a parent shapes future relationships. Dr. Connors-Kellgren notes that missing praise can lead to shaky friendships and romantic connections. Dr. Santorelli adds that intimacy and sharing emotions can feel difficult.

Rebuilding self-esteem through positive affirmation

The journey toward emotional healing begins with self-awareness and compassion.

Experts say it’s essential for adults to recognize the parts of themselves that still crave encouragement.

Therapy, journaling, and practicing self-affirmations can help rewire old beliefs and restore self-esteem.

“Ultimately, the work involves noticing your own accomplishments and positive attributes and providing positive reinforcement to yourself (including your inner child),” says Dr. Connors-Kellgren.

She recommends surrounding yourself with people who speak encouragement and choosing to replace negative self-talk with affirming statements.

Repeating simple phrases like “I’m proud of you,” “I am enough,” or “I deserve love and support” can be powerful tools for emotional healing.

These messages not only calm the mind but also remind the inner child that they are safe, valued, and worthy of love—no matter what.

The lifelong impact of positive affirmation

Experts agree that positive affirmation is more than a kind gesture—it’s an essential part of emotional development.

It helps children grow with confidence, shapes their understanding of love, and builds a foundation for resilience.

For adults who grew up without it, recovery is still within reach. Through conscious self-compassion and consistent affirmations, it’s possible to heal the childhood emotional wounds caused by a lack of affirmation and begin to see life through a gentler, more hopeful lens.

In the end, the words “I’m proud of you” can do more than comfort—they can transform lives, one affirmation at a time.

Watch Dr. Kim Sage’s video, “11 Signs of Emotional Neglect in Childhood You May Not Recognize,” to learn how positive affirmation supports healing.