Who hasn’t felt jealousy’s sting? These 5 tips will help you handle it with grace and confidence

Coping with jealousy is a common challenge, especially in romantic relationships, where feelings of insecurity or comparison can naturally surface.

Jealousy is often seen as a petty or negative emotion, leaving many people feeling embarrassed when they experience it.

But is it really that bad? According to the American Psychological Association, jealousy is officially labeled as a negative emotion.

Psychologist Dr. Joli Hamilton highlighted this with CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta on his podcast Chasing Life.

“But they don’t say that for anger or sadness — we just talk about them being an emotion, an emotion that’s informational,” she said.

She explained that jealousy is often labeled as entirely negative. However, experts argue it has a purpose, acting as a protective instinct in certain situations.

Hamilton, an author and relationship coach, has studied jealousy for years, noting that even infants as young as six months old can experience it.

Experts like Sybil Hart suggest that jealousy may serve a protective role, helping to strengthen bonds essential for survival.

While jealousy can feel overwhelming in adulthood, Hamilton believes that understanding and managing it can lead to personal growth and stronger relationships.

Hamilton’s personal experience with jealousy led her to study the emotion in depth.

Instead of avoiding jealousy, she turned to research, believing that understanding it was the key to managing it.

Her findings suggest that jealousy has deep roots in human behavior, first helping to strengthen the mother-child bond and later playing a role in protecting relationships.

Rather than viewing it as entirely negative, she sees it as a tool for self-awareness, boundary-setting, and open communication.

“Jealousy is far from being the unevolved emotion that people often think it is,” Hamilton said, arguing that it evolved for a reason rather than something to ignore.

While it can sometimes offer insight, it can lead to problems if handled poorly.

To encourage healthier coping with jealousy, she shares five key tips on what to avoid and better ways to respond.

1. Don’t see jealousy as proof of love.

Hamilton highlighted how jealousy is often romanticized in media, like in Othello, with many people viewing a bit of jealousy as a sign of love. Yet, she warned that idealizing jealousy can lead to unhealthy dynamics, especially when unspoken expectations create confusion.

Instead, she stressed the importance of clear communication, which may not seem romantic initially but strengthens trust over time. She also pointed out that jealousy doesn’t always come from apparent actions, such as kissing, but can arise from subtler behaviors, like liking social media posts.

Hamilton urged people to discuss these situations openly rather than assuming their partner understands their boundaries.

2. Don’t let jealousy control your actions.

Hamilton advised against acting on jealousy-driven impulses, emphasizing that reacting in the heat of the moment could lead to irreversible consequences. She referenced the song Before He Cheats, pointing out that vandalizing a partner’s property could damage a relationship and have serious legal consequences.

Instead, she highlighted the importance of coping with jealousy through emotional management techniques. Simple strategies like pausing, taking slow breaths, and releasing tension by snapping fingers or shaking hands can help prevent overreactions and unnecessary conflict.

Once emotions are under control, she encourages a more thoughtful approach by focusing on the next steps and making decisions with a clear mind.

3. Stay calm and think things through.

When jealousy arises, Hamilton advises taking a step back rather than reacting impulsively. She emphasizes recognizing the early signs, including physical sensations, instead of immediately assuming the worst.

Rather than making quick judgments, she encourages a more thoughtful approach by assessing the situation with curiosity. Staying calm is key, as not every moment of jealousy signals a real problem. Overreacting can create unnecessary tension and misunderstandings.

Her main advice is to slow down. She explains that feelings of jealousy are often shaped by past experiences, especially those related to trust and relationships. By pausing and reflecting, people can separate their emotions from reality and respond more constructively.

4. Don’t play jealousy games.

Hamilton warned against intentionally provoking jealousy in a relationship, saying it often does more harm than good. Many people associate jealousy with love, a belief reinforced by movies and music, which can lead them to test their partner’s feelings in unhealthy ways.

Instead of using jealousy as a measure of affection, she encouraged couples to find healthier ways to reconnect. Breaking out of routine, planning a special date, or seeking guidance from a relationship expert can help strengthen intimacy. She explained that open communication and shared experiences are far more effective than playing mind games.

She cautioned that deliberately stirring up jealousy can create a power struggle, leading to resentment and unintended consequences.

5. Don’t wallow in shame.

Hamilton emphasized that coping with jealousy starts with recognizing it as a normal emotion rather than a character flaw.

She discouraged feelings of shame or guilt, explaining that jealousy can provide valuable insight into personal needs and insecurities. Instead of ignoring or suppressing it, she encouraged acknowledging the emotion and understanding its root cause.

She also advised against judging others for their jealousy, urging people to view it as a struggle they are trying to navigate rather than a personal weakness.

Here’s Dr. Joli Hamilton discussing the imperfect process of coming to terms with feelings of jealousy via TEDx Talks: