Expert reveals signs of a toxic friendship and tips to avoid being a harmful friend

A toxic friend can unknowingly harm your well-being. While all friendships have ups and downs, it’s essential to notice when a relationship turns challenging to harmful.

Recognizing these changes is key to protecting your mental and emotional health.

Therapist Karina Aybar-Jacobs encourages people to reflect on how their friendships affect them. It could be a warning sign if a relationship leaves you feeling drained or guilty despite your efforts, as per TODAY.

Deep connections and shared memories can make it hard to see the truth, but a helpful guide is available to identify red flags and know when to move on. You’ll also find practical advice from experts on recognizing when to step away and how to do so with care.

Signs of a toxic friendship

1. They feel bad if you hang out with others.

One common sign of a toxic friendship is jealousy and possessiveness. These toxic friends might resent you for spending time with others, accusing you of neglecting them—even if you’ve been supportive and committed. They may downplay your efforts and make you feel guilty for maintaining other friendships, leading to an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship.

2. They avoid taking responsibility.

According to Aybar-Jacobs, a key sign of a toxic friendship is the refusal to take real responsibility for their actions. Instead of addressing the harm they’ve caused and working to change, these friends often offer surface-level apologies, like giving gifts or doing favors. This approach shifts focus away from the real problem, making it difficult to repair and grow the relationship.

3. They ignore your boundaries.

Setting boundaries is challenging, especially when a friend continually ignores them. Aybar-Jacobs points out that “Even if you’ve told them that you have prior commitments or can’t be available, they’ll still ask for your availability and make you feel guilty for not showing up for them at the time they want.”

4. They dismiss your help.

In toxic friendships, it’s common for the toxic friend to ignore your support while still expecting it. They may reject your offers of help but continue to pressure you for emotional support. Aybar-Jacobs advises redirecting them to other sources of help, such as suggesting they talk to a mental health professional or reach out to different friends for support.

5. They don’t care about your values.

Peer pressure isn’t limited to teenagers; adults in toxic friendships can also try to influence your behavior. This pressure often serves the toxic friend’s interests, pushing you to do things that clash with your values or boundaries. For example, they might encourage excessive drinking, pursuing unwanted romantic relationships, or sharing personal information.

A toxic friend aims to undermine your values and pressure you into choices that harm your well-being.

How can you avoid being toxic?

“Human beings are notoriously inept at recognizing our failings,” David Robson, an award-winning science writer and the author of “The Intelligence Trap” and “The Expectation Effect,” told BBC.

“We may complain about another person’s arrogance, ignorance or stupidity, without ever considering the enormous flaws that they may find in our characters.”

He added that this blind spot can harm relationships; even unintended cruelty can hurt those we care about.

Research suggests that inconsistent relationships can be more damaging than consistently negative ones.

Fortunately, scientific research provides insights to help us identify and change harmful behaviors.

Here are five lessons to avoid accidentally becoming a “frenemy” or toxic friend:

1. Be the one to apologize

While everyone makes mistakes, many struggle to apologize sincerely, leading to relationship resentment. Psychological research identifies four barriers to effective apologies: underestimating the harm caused, fearing the shame of apologizing, believing apologies won’t help, and misunderstanding what makes an apology genuine. While the first barrier depends on the situation, the others are often based on false beliefs.

In truth, people generally feel relief after apologizing, and a sincere apology can repair relationships. To apologize effectively, let the other person express their feelings, take responsibility for your actions, show regret, offer to make things right, and explain how you’ll avoid repeating the mistake.

2. Be consistent

Uncertainty can cause significant stress, as shown by research from Archy de Berker at UCL, where people felt more anxious when there was a 50/50 chance of receiving an electric shock than when a shock was inevitable. This unpredictability can also affect our relationships.

Studies reveal that “ambivalent connections” — where friends are supportive and unpredictable — can increase stress levels, even raising blood pressure just by being near. While consistent support may not always be possible, striving for reliability in interactions and managing moods can help reduce the stress caused by unpredictable behavior.

3. Practice confelicity through mutual celebration.

Compassion is often considered a key part of friendship, but the importance of “confelicity” — or shared happiness — is frequently overlooked.

Recent research emphasizes the role of positive emotional sharing in building strong relationships. Supportive friends engage with good news by asking questions and celebrating achievements. At the same time, dismissive reactions, like changing the subject or downplaying success, can harm connections.

Despite daily distractions, celebrating friends’ successes is crucial for healthy friendships. Sharing our own victories, even small ones, can also strengthen bonds. Though some fear seeming boastful, research shows hiding accomplishments, like a job promotion, can create distance and coldness in relationships.

4. Avoid the illusion of transparency

We often believe others can easily read our emotions, a bias known as the illusion of transparency. This can lead us to think our nervousness is evident in job interviews when it’s often less noticeable than we realize. This misunderstanding can also prevent us from expressing appreciation, leaving others feeling unappreciated.

Research by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley reveals that people tend to underestimate the positive impact of expressing gratitude in writing. They assume the recipient already knows how they feel, missing the joy their words could bring. While body language can help convey warmth, expressing appreciation verbally is often the most effective way to show sincere feelings.

5. Empathize with others’ feelings but offer constructive feedback.

When people face difficulties, they often seek understanding from others, and empathetic responses can help ease their stress. However, a toxic friend may dismiss or judge their emotions, worsening the situation. While sympathy is important, offering supportive perspectives promoting growth is more helpful than just agreeing with someone’s feelings.

Effective emotional support goes beyond listening. Research shows that allowing someone to vent without offering new insights can increase distress. This type of “vulture-like” behavior, where someone feeds off another’s emotions without providing solutions, is considered toxic.

Constructive conversations require sensitivity. Research by Ethan Kross suggests that asking questions like, “Why was this stressful for you?” or “What did you learn from this?” can help individuals find closure more effectively than simply focusing on the emotions or details of the event.

Every relationship has its highs and lows—it’s a natural part of human interaction and the complexities of social life.

However, by following these five simple tips, you can avoid common mistakes and build strong, meaningful friendships that you would value.

Here’s a video from Psych2Go checking yourself to avoid being the toxic friend: