8 common signs that probably make you look insecure to others, says psychology expert

Fawning—an often overlooked trauma response—is one of the most common patterns seen by Meg Josephson, a licensed psychotherapist and author of the bestselling book “Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think So You Can Start Living for You.”

At its core, fawning is a survival strategy rooted in appeasement. Instead of fighting or fleeing from a threat, a person moves toward it in hopes of avoiding harm.

In everyday life, this looks like extreme people-pleasing. While this behavior may act like a shield, it often leaves people dealing with deep insecurity, even when they are safe.

Josephson stresses that it’s essential to recognize the signs of the fawn response and start learning how to break free from its cycle.

Where the fawn response comes from

The root of fawning is often tied to one core belief: “I can’t feel safe until everyone is happy with me.”

“When the body detects some sort of threat, whether it is real (a lion chasing you) or perceived (your boss being a little standoffish), it can feel the same to the nervous system,” Josephson writes.

For many, the habit of fawning begins in childhood. Someone who grew up in a home where moods shifted suddenly might have learned to stay alert, monitoring every detail to maintain peace.

Others may have had highly critical parents, and perfection became the only way to avoid criticism.

Josephson points out that the simple question, “Are you mad at me?” is a prime example of an insecure reaction that comes from trying to protect oneself.

What the fawning behavior looks like

Fawning is not inherently bad. It is an automatic survival mechanism, and at times it can help people get by, whether to keep a job or stay safe in a tense moment.

But when fawning becomes a pattern, it can disconnect people from themselves. This insecure behavior leads many to silence their own needs while becoming overly focused on the moods and reactions of others.

Over time, it creates insecurity and leaves people uncertain about their true selves.

Josephson outlines several common signs of the fawn response:

1. Constantly overthinking social interactions.
2. Being unable to say no or set boundaries, and later feeling resentful.
3. Feeling terrified of conflict or of people thinking badly of you.
4. Changing yourself to match who you are, like a chameleon.
5. Worrying that you are about to get into trouble, even when nothing is wrong.
6. Being drawn to critical or distant partners because it feels familiar.
7. Losing touch with your own identity after silencing your opinions.
8. All of these reactions may seem protective, but they leave people feeling insecure.

Josephson explains that at one point, these patterns served a purpose. Still, the body tends to repeat what feels familiar—even if it no longer serves a useful purpose.

How to break free from making fawn response

Since fawning is unconscious, the first step to breaking free is noticing it. Josephson encourages people to bring the pattern into awareness and practice small changes in daily life.

She shares three main practices:

1. Pause.

Before rushing to apologize, shrink, or overthink, take a moment to stop. Ask yourself: “What do I need right now? What do I think? What am I feeling?” Caring about others is good, but not if it means abandoning your own needs.

2. Lean back.

If the urge to respond right away comes up—such as answering a parent’s text while you are busy—pause and finish what you were doing first. By slowing down, you remind your body that not every reaction requires urgency, easing insecurity over time.

3. Look inward.

In safe relationships, practice expressing small needs. If your partner asks what you want for dinner, don’t just say, “Whatever you want.” Instead, check in with yourself and voice your real choice. Small steps like these rebuild confidence.

Boundaries and healing beyond fawning

For many who struggle with fawning, setting boundaries can feel impossible.

They may believe they are not allowed to have needs or worry that boundaries will make them look mean. This fear often comes from past insecure reactions where saying no felt unsafe.

Josephson explains that boundaries are not walls but bridges. By clearly expressing their needs, people can actually build stronger, more meaningful relationships.

Boundaries create space for real trust, not distance. Instead of being a sign of insecurity, they become a way to show respect for both self and others.

Moving forward

Fawning may initially be a natural response to perceived danger. Still, when it becomes a lifelong pattern, it feeds insecurity and keeps people from living authentically. Recognizing the behavior is the first step.

With awareness, small pauses, and the courage to set boundaries, people can break free from the cycle and move toward healthier, more genuine connections.

Josephson’s work highlights that while fawning may have once been a survival tool, it doesn’t have to define the future.

Healing begins when people stop living for others’ approval and start honoring their own needs.

Watch this Psyc2Go video to learn the clear signs that fawning may be quietly ruining your life: