A codependent relationship, or relationship addiction, is when someone depends too much on a single relationship. This often involves underlying issues like addiction or abuse.
While it’s normal to support each other in a healthy relationship, codependency goes too far, making the relationship overwhelming and all-consuming, according to WebMD.
In a codependent relationship, you often provide financial or emotional support. If you step back, you might feel trapped by worries about the other person’s well-being.
Despite its challenges, codependency can be overcome by recognizing the signs, acting, and seeking help.
What is the difference between codependent and interdependent relationships?
In an interdependent relationship, both people maintain their identities and enjoy their connection.
In contrast, codependency may lead you to abandon your interests and focus solely on the other person.
Interdependence allows both partners to pursue their hobbies while also enjoying shared activities.
Types of codependency
A codependent relationship usually has two main roles: the caregiver and the person needing care.
Often, these roles shift between the two people, especially if one has an addiction or mental health issue.
This can create a cycle where both feel they can’t live without each other, reinforcing codependency.
Codependency in Families
In families, codependency can occur between adult parents and their grown children. A parent might feel responsible for their child’s well-being while the child takes on the emotional care of the parent.
If a family member has an addiction or illness, you might focus entirely on them and neglect your own needs.
Codependency in Romantic Relationships
In romantic relationships, codependency often involves addiction, where one partner might cover for the other’s problems.
It can also appear in other ways, such as taking on extra responsibilities to avoid conflict or ending friendships to please your partner.
This focus on “saving” your partner can make you sacrifice your happiness and well-being.
Signs of a codependent relationship
Codependency makes your self-worth and emotions rely entirely on another person. Watch for these signs to see if you or someone you know might be in a codependent relationship:
1. Always needing reassurance and approval.
A constant need for reassurance and approval is a major sign of codependency. People with codependent traits often seek frequent validation from their partner due to deep insecurity and fear of abandonment.
This need reflects an inner emptiness and unstable sense of self, where their value depends on others’ opinions. It can strain the relationship and be exhausting for both partners.
Addressing codependency involves therapy and self-improvement, such as building self-esteem and understanding personal insecurities.
2. Fear of being left alone.
A main sign of codependency is a deep fear of being left alone, which can control a person’s actions and decisions in the relationship.
This fear appears as constant worry about the relationship ending, obsession with the partner’s activities, and extreme distress at the thought of being alone.
Psychologists suggest this fear often stems from past experiences, such as disruptions in early childhood or inconsistent care.
These experiences can lead to an anxious attachment style, causing people to depend heavily on their partners for emotional security and validation.
This fear involves not only being physically alone but also feeling emotionally isolated.
3. Unclear sense of who you are.
You might feel your personality depends on the other person, leaving you unsure of your likes and identity. Instead, you focus solely on their preferences.
4. Doubting yourself.
Relying on one person for too long can weaken your sense of self. You might begin to doubt your decisions, feel dependent on others for choices, and believe your preferences are unimportant.
5. Overly involved in your partner’s problems.
A key sign of codependency is being overly involved in your partner’s problems, often neglecting your own needs.
People with codependency focus more on fixing their partner’s issues and feel valued only when they are needed.
This behavior is a way to avoid dealing with their problems and comes from a belief that their worth depends on caring for or fixing others.
This belief, often rooted in past experiences, keeps them deeply entangled in their partner’s issues and continues the cycle of codependency.
6. Constantly focusing on someone.
A key sign of codependency is feeling you can’t live without the other person, often leading you to hide your true thoughts and feelings to keep them happy.
7. Trouble talking things through in the relationship.
Effective communication is often challenging in codependent relationships, leading to difficulties in expressing personal needs and avoiding important discussions due to a fear of conflict.
This can also involve sacrificing your beliefs to please your partner, resulting in a lack of honest conversation.
Poor communication often stems from a fear of rejection or upsetting the partner. This can lead to holding back opinions to maintain peace, which, while avoiding immediate conflict, creates unspoken emotions and resentment.
Improving communication involves valuing your needs and learning to express them clearly and constructively.
8. Ignoring your own needs.
Ignoring your own needs is a common issue in codependent relationships.
People often prioritize their partner’s needs and the relationship, neglecting their emotional, physical, and mental well-being. This can affect personal hobbies, health, social life, and career goals.
This neglect often arises from believing your needs are less important than your partner’s.
This belief, rooted in low self-esteem and fear of harming the relationship, leads to self-sacrifice that harms your well-being and creates resentment, resulting in an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
9. Lack of personal identity.
In codependence, a person’s sense of self becomes closely linked to their partner’s.
This causes them to lose their identity, with their decisions and feelings heavily influenced by their partner.
Their interests and social life may fade as they focus only on the relationship.
This loss of self often comes from a deep fear of being abandoned or rejected. As a result, people might change themselves to fit their partner’s preferences.
This can lead to lower self-esteem, anxiety, and depression, making it hard to understand and meet personal needs, which keeps the cycle of codependency going.
10. Relying on the relationship for self-esteem.
In a codependent relationship, a person often depends on the relationship for their self-esteem.
They gauge their worth based on their relationship status, their partner’s approval, or their ability to keep the relationship intact, even if it’s unhealthy.
Their sense of self becomes so linked to the relationship that they struggle to recognize their value outside of it.
This dependency usually stems from deep insecurities and low self-esteem, often shaped by past experiences of conditional love or validation.
This belief also traps them in a cycle where their self-worth relies on the relationship.
Psychologists emphasize the need to build self-worth independent of the relationship or partner’s opinions, which is essential for overcoming codependency.
11. Resentment.
In a codependent relationship, you may eventually feel resentful towards the other person despite feeling unable to live without them or them without you. This resentment is a key sign that the relationship is unhealthy and likely codependent.
12. Lack of outside support.
A risk for codependency is relying entirely on one person for emotional support, especially if you don’t have a broad social circle. This focus on one person can lead you to neglect other important relationships.
If you feel these signs, here are some ways to heal from codependency, according to a mental health professional:
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