Narcissism, a personality disorder characterized by ego inflation, craving excessive attention, and lacking empathy, often leads to relationship challenges due to feelings of superiority and entitlement.
In arguments, narcissists commonly employ defensive tactics like gaslighting and blame-shifting to maintain their sense of superiority.
Narcissists like to control and manipulate others, so disagreements with them are super frustrating, according to Monica Cwynar, a licensed clinical social worker in Pittsburgh.
Experiencing conflict with someone doesn’t indicate they’re a narcissist.
According to therapist Manahil Riaz, only a small fraction of people in the US have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), estimated at 0.5% to 5%.
Traits like self-centeredness or lack of empathy don’t necessarily signify NPD, Riaz clarified.
Narcissism, as described by somatic trauma psychologist Justine Grosso, spans a spectrum.
It encompasses healthy narcissism, characterized by a robust sense of self and self-esteem, to more extreme forms, such as pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
“Someone with pathological narcissistic traits may meet some but not all criteria for NPD,” Grosso added.
She said these criteria include entitlement, a lack of empathy, a desire for praise and admiration, exploiting others, arrogance, and grandiosity.
Handling narcissistic traits is already difficult, and it’s even tougher when a narcissist is mad at you.
Meanwhile, therapists have pinpointed common phrases and behaviors narcissists exhibit during conflicts. Watch out for these when you find yourself in a conflict.
Common phrases that narcissists use to manipulate you
1. “You are overreacting”
Communicating with someone with pathological narcissism or NPD often involves them dismissing, deflecting, or invalidating your concerns to avoid responsibility, says Grosso.
They may use phrases like “you are overreacting” or “you are too sensitive” to manipulate the situation.
This can make you feel at fault, lead to self-doubt, and cause you to withdraw your complaint instead of standing firm.
2. “I am not angry, you are”
Individuals with pathological narcissism or NPD often use projection, a defense mechanism where they attribute their own emotions to others.
For example, during arguments, they may accuse you of being angry while displaying anger themselves.
This behavior arises from their denial of vulnerable emotions due to toxic shame and fear of feelings, as explained by Grosso.
3. “I can’t believe you’re attacking me; I always get blamed”
Narcissists consistently perceive themselves as victims, regardless of their actions.
“Narcissists often see themselves as victims due to their deep-seated sense of entitlement, fragile self-esteem, and lack of empathy for others,” Cwynar said.
They frequently say, “I’m always blamed, even when it’s not my fault” to manipulate others for attention or control in relationships.
This tactic helps them deflect blame, shift focus, and avoid responsibility.
4. “If you loved me, you would do this”
In conflicts, narcissists use manipulation tactics to gain control, according to Cwynar.
They use language to influence others, like saying, “If you love me, you will do this for me,” or “If you leave, then you never loved me,” to sway the situation.
Such statements can make it difficult to confront them, often leading to withdrawal and giving them control.
5. “You should have known I was upset”
Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder commonly expect others to understand their emotions without communication, noted Grosso.
This belief, shared with some individuals with personality disorders and relational trauma, is especially pronounced in those with NPD.
They may express frustration, saying, “You should have known I was angry,” without explicitly communicating their feelings.
“A phrase like this may make the other person feel hypervigilant like they’re walking on eggshells,” Grosso explained.
Furthermore, feelings of fear, guilt, and obligation can emerge, diminishing the power of the wronged individual.
6. “I never said that”
Narcissists often manipulate situations by denying their own words or actions with phrases like “I never said that,” a form of gaslighting, according to Overcomers.
Despite the evidence, they may persist in denial, causing frustration and doubt in the recipient.
This behavior can lead to confusion and a distorted perception of reality over time as the victim questions their memory and perception.
7. “You are just jealous”
This phrase is a classic example of narcissistic projection, where narcissists deflect their insecurities onto others.
This defense mechanism helps them cope with feelings of inadequacy or insecurity by shifting focus away from their faults and maintaining a sense of superiority.
However, this manipulative tactic undermines the other person’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling invalidated and full of self-doubt.
Over time, it can erode their confidence and sense of reality, fostering an unhealthy dependence on the narcissist for validation.
8. “You are not listening to me”
This phrase is a common assertion by narcissists to dominate conversations, asserting their superiority and dismissing others’ voices.
This behavior reinforces power imbalances by monopolizing discussions and invalidating others’ perspectives.
Narcissists use this tactic to boost their ego and disempower others, perpetuating skewed power dynamics in relationships.
9. “It is all your fault”
This is a damaging phrase used by narcissists to avoid accountability by blaming others for their own mistakes, known as blame-shifting.
This tactic helps them maintain superiority without admitting fault.
Constantly being blamed can deeply affect the other person’s self-esteem, causing feelings of guilt and worthlessness.
This ongoing blame can lead to self-doubt and emotional damage, contributing to mental health issues like anxiety and depression over time.
10. Complicated, senseless talk
“There’s this concept called ‘word salad,’ where they just might say things that don’t make sense,” said Riaz, adding that narcissists might say confusing statements to bewilder you intentionally.
Riaz explained how narcissists derail arguments by rambling about unrelated topics like their family contributions and future plans. This diversion leads to confusion and causes the original issue to be forgotten.
What to say to counter narcissism?
Alana Carvalho, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor, offers phrases to disarm narcissists during arguments or confrontations, helping them disengage from the situation, per Verywell Mind.
Here’s how each phrase can help:
1. “That doesn’t work for me”
Asserts your autonomy and communicates boundaries, especially when narcissists try to make decisions for you without your input.
2. “I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently”
Acknowledges differing perspectives without engaging in a battle to prove who’s right, preventing the narcissist from using your arguments against you.
3. “I don’t see myself that way”
This maintains your self-esteem when narcissists attempt to undermine you.
4. “I remember it differently”
This will affirm your recollection of events, countering attempts to manipulate or gaslight you.
5. “I will only have a conversation with you about this if you’re willing to listen and try to understand my perspective”
This phrase sets boundaries for respectful dialogue, ensuring your perspective is considered.
6. “I’m not going to explain why this is important to me, but it is”
This establishes boundaries without providing opportunities for manipulation or gaslighting.
7. “I’m not willing to talk about that”
This phrase asserts your unwillingness to discuss uncomfortable topics without justification.
8. “If you continue to speak to me like that, I will walk away”
The phrase clearly communicates boundaries and consequences for disrespectful behavior.
9. “I’m going to step away from this conversation”
It asserts your decision to disengage from toxic conversations, prioritizing your well-being.
10. “Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not available”
This politely declines further interaction with the narcissist, signaling your desire to sever contact.
Watch Rebecca Zung, a globally recognized negotiation and communications expert and attorney talk about how to outsmart narcissism:
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What is being described are the most blatantand obvious signs but there are more and deeper signs
My son is an evil narcissist. We haven’t spoken in years. However he treats my granddaughter (17 yo) horrible. He’s a yeller and goes on & on & on. He always makes her miserable when she’s having a good time. He’s gone so far as to say she’s asking to get raped because her tummy is bare & it’ll be her fault. He’s angry A LOT! Runs everyone down too. Are there any things she can say without feeding the fire? I did see a few things she maybe able to use but since it’s her dad, she’s limited. BTW, he not only hates me, but his brother, his friends and my husband.
“10. โThank you for inviting me, but Iโm not availableโ”
Absolutely does NOT indicate a desire to sever contact. It tells them you’re not available THEN, leaving the door open for “well, when ARe you available?”
“Thank you for inviting me but I’m not interested” or simply “No, thank you” shut that down.
And if you want to cut contact entirely, you need to say so. Because declining an invitation to AN event says only that you’re declining THAT event.