What to say and what to avoid when someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, experts say

What to say to someone with cancer can be one of the most challenging things to figure out—something people with cancer learned after their diagnosis.

Though many tried to show support, the way they expressed it often missed the mark.

Some people tried to relate by sharing stories of friends or relatives who had cancer. But instead of helping, these stories often ended in heartbreak.

TV personality Katie Thurston, who’s battling with stage 4 breast cancer, explained that hearing about someone else’s death—no matter how well-intentioned the message—only added to the emotional weight she was already carrying.

“It almost belittles the reality and emotions that a cancer patient is going through,” she told TIME.

Avoid toxic positivity and focus on emotional empathy

Thurston noticed that people often default to toxic positivity—comments like “you’ll beat this” or “everything happens for a reason.”

While meant to lift her spirits, they often dismissed the complicated emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis.

The truth is, cancer patients can experience hope, fear, sadness, and strength all in the same day.

By brushing over that with surface-level encouragement, supporters risk making patients feel guilty for not being more optimistic.

Felicity Harper, a clinical psychologist at Karmanos Cancer Institute, said this is a common mistake.

“When someone is having a hard time, our instinct is to fix it. But sometimes what the person really needs is just space to feel their feelings.”

She often hears from patients who wonder if they’re “doing cancer wrong” because they can’t stay positive all the time.

That pressure, driven by toxic positivity, can cause unnecessary stress.

What to say to someone with cancer instead

Harper suggests using emotional empathy to guide your words. Say things like, “That must be scary,” or “I can’t imagine how hard that is.” The goal is to recognize their reality without minimizing it.

When people feel uncomfortable talking about cancer, they sometimes say nothing at all. But that silence can feel more isolating than any awkward comment. Thurston has felt that firsthand.

“I think people don’t know what to say or they feel uncomfortable, but I’d rather someone stumble on their attempt at talking about it, vs. not saying anything,” she said. “That one hurts the most, and I think people don’t realize it.”

Harper advises people to be honest if they’re unsure. “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” goes a long way.

Let the patient lead the conversation

One of the most supportive things anyone can do is listen. That means letting the person with cancer lead the conversation.

Thurston values those who ask her, “How much do you want to talk about it?” instead of jumping in with their own stories or advice.

“We’ve got to find a way to let that patient talk about it, and maybe that means we need to go talk to somebody about our own feelings,” Harper said. “That’s for us to deal with separately.”

Cancer patients often receive unsolicited suggestions—from new doctors to herbal remedies. While people may mean well, the message behind these tips can feel like doubt or distrust.

“The thing I always say to patients is, you can tell those people, ‘Look, when you’ve had cancer, you can come back and tell me what to do,’” Harper said. “Until then, the best thing is to allow the patient to be the expert on how they’re feeling.”

What to say to someone with cancer starts with active listening and showing up

Active listening means being present and paying attention to what the person says—without rushing to give advice.

It’s also about showing up over time. Cancer doesn’t go away after one conversation or one round of treatment.

Harper encourages friends and loved ones to check in regularly. A message like “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m here whenever you want to talk” can mean more than you realize—especially when it’s followed up a few weeks later.

People may think they’re bothering someone by reaching out, but many patients say it’s the opposite.

Small, consistent gestures are part of real cancer support.

Appearance and fertility: topics that need sensitivity

Throughout her treatment, Thurston has had to navigate a wide range of emotional experiences—including changes to her body and future plans.

Losing her hair wasn’t just a cosmetic issue—it was a reminder of everything she was going through.

Some people would say, “It’s just hair, it’ll grow back,” but it was deeply personal for Thurston.

The same goes for comments about surgery or fertility.

When she spoke publicly about undergoing IVF, some people brushed it off by saying she could just adopt later on.

These comments often made her feel that her experience was being minimized.

She wishes people would recognize that these are not simple decisions, which come with emotional, physical, and financial tolls.

What to say to someone with cancer when you want to help

Helping someone with cancer doesn’t always mean having the perfect words.

Sometimes it means showing up with specific offers: dropping off dinner, driving them to appointments, or checking in to talk about everyday life.

“Those action items of offering support make such a huge difference,” Thurston said. “To some people, it might feel small, but to a cancer patient, it really makes such a positive impact.”

Harper agrees, noting that specific, practical gestures are most meaningful.

Whether it’s organizing a meal train, sending a care package, or simply saying, “Would you prefer Thursday or Friday for a visit?”—these actions show that you care honestly and tangibly.

Final thoughts

Learning what to say to someone with cancer isn’t about having the right script. It’s about being honest, showing up, and offering space for the person to speak—or not—on their own terms.

With thoughtful cancer support, emotional empathy, and active listening, friends and family can play a decisive role in helping a loved one feel less alone during an overwhelming time.

Watch BBC Three’s powerful video on what exactly not to say to someone with cancer—and learn how to truly support with empathy: